I’m Still Here
My postings have been quite sporadic over these past two months. I seem to fill my week with an assortment of activities which either involve entertainment for my son in the form of trips to the playground and toddler classes or trips to medical professionals to help me with my newly diagnosed neuropathy.
I am grateful to all of my long time readers who left comments and sent emails about my illness. I was in a very dark place two months ago and your words lifted my spirits more than you could ever imagine. One evening my husband came up to check on me and I collapsed into a puddle of tears. I cursed my body, I cursed my health, my bad medical luck and mumbled more obscenities then I had spoken in years.
I’ve had my fair share of medical problems in the past and I was unprepared for the toil of emotions that washed over me when I was diagnosed with this new problem.
For a long time I viewed my body as broken. When I became pregnant with my son I found a renewed sense of self. A belief that my body was capable of more than I had ever given it credit for. I was one of those women who loved being pregnant. Sure I had aches and pains and other issues, but I was amazed that a child was growing within me. I walked around the house naked and stared at my reflection in the mirror.
Two and a half years after my son’s birth I remained in good health. The aches and pains that bothered me for years were gone. When I was unexpectedly hit with neuropathy as a result of antibiotics I felt robbed. Robbed of the joy I felt chasing my son around the playground. Robbed of the pain free life I had lived for the past five years. As a result I cursed God and everything else around me.
Oh sure I tried to count my blessings. I listed the things that were wonderful about my life and even listed the things that could be so much worse, but all in all I still felt horribly depressed.
My hands and feet burned like someone placed them on the stove burners, electric shocks ran through them and my legs felt like they were being crushed in a vice. It was pain like I had never experienced before and certainly not in so many places in my body at once.
Thankfully my symptoms have improved. Though my feet are still painful my hands seem to have improved. The burning and shock like sensations have decreased on disappeared almost entirely. My feet still ache but the pain is tolerable though unpleasant.
I did not take the drug prescribed to me by my neurologist. I did take the B vitamins he prescribed along with a host of other more natural solutions like acupuncture and massage. My acupuncturist believes my condition will continue to improve though she is uncertain if I will ever be fully cured.
During this time I have continued to live my life. I’ve had a few major breakdowns at night, but every morning I wake up renewed. I continue to take my son on adventures and move through life as though my legs and feet don’t bother me. Distraction may be the best medicine as when I’m excited and happy my pain dissipates ever so slightly.
I do believe everything happens for a reason and although I cannot imagine what lesson I am supposed to learn from this course of events I am doing my best to reflect on my life and the things that are important to me. My husband has asked me to focus on my mental well being. He bought me a journal and asked me to meditate. It is in those quiet moments of reflection that I feel truly grateful for all that I have and remind myself that my life is truly amazing.