Posts filed under ‘work’

A Guide to Saving for Maternity Leave


This post is part of Women’s Money Week.

In my opinion as soon you decide to have children, (no matter how far into the future that day may seem), you should start setting money aside for the big day. Think of having a child like any other big financial goal in life. You know you need to save to buy a house, a new car or to travel on an exotic vacation, so why not save to expand your family?

The sooner you decide to save the larger that sum will swell. If you don’t earn a lot of money set aside a little bit each paycheck. You’d be surprised how quickly those numbers can add up over time. Set a big goal for yourself. Imagine you don’t know where you’ll work a few years from this point in time and whether or not maternity pay will be offered. You are married and want a family but you aren’t certain when. Start a savings account dedicated to financing your maternity leave.

In general cut back on your spending, clip coupons and stay out of stores. Calculate all of your monthly expenses and see what items you might be able to eliminate. Start making calls to cell phone companies and satellite TV providers to find out how to reduce monthly bills. Think about possible ways to earn extra income by taking on extra hours at work or selling unwanted items on eBay.

Once you conceive keep your ear out for anyone willing to offer hand-me-downs and investigate all the places that sell second-hand baby items. You would be amazed by the number of people who have boxes full of baby related items hiding in their basements. If you live in or near a major city you will probably find second-hand stores and consignment sales that sell items for a fraction of the retail price. Consignment sales are typically held just three or four times a year, so make certain to mark the dates on your calendar. If you are looking for something specific try eBay and Craigslist before buying from an online retailer.

Think carefully about how you register for baby items and avoid letting yourself get into the baby craze. You’ll feel driven to wash everything the minute you receive it, but don’t. Keep tags on just about everything. It’s amazing how quickly children outgrow toys and clothing. Rather than washing everything and folding it neatly into drawers keep the tags on clothes until just before your child will need to wear them. This makes it easier to return or exchange the items for larger sizes. It also makes it easier to sell items if the need arises.

Kids don’t need much in that first year of life other than love and attention, so stick to a very small set of toys. You’ll be amazed at how enamored your child will become with a simple cardboard box or a plastic bucket.

Think strategically about decorating your nursery. Baby stores have notoriously high prices, so make certain to compare prices at traditional furniture stores before buying. Also, try to envision your child’s bedroom five or ten years into the future. You don’t want to purchase all new furniture when your son or daughter gets older.

I mentioned this in the post linked to above, but I think it bears repeating here; keep in mind that some baby sized gear is cute, but certainly not necessary. Full sized towels work better than the hooded versions and extra soft wash cloths will work perfectly fine for a baby. They may not have super cute motifs on them, but they will last long beyond the first year or two.

Before getting pregnant or at the very least as soon as you find out you are pregnant talk to your human resources department and ask for detailed benefit information. You want to know how long you will be paid and what percentage of pay you will receive. Some women get paid 100% for weeks on end, some receive partial pay and others get nothing at all.

I’ve known at least two women who returned to work much earlier than expected because they didn’t understand their benefits. A friend of the family planned to stay home for three months, but found out her pay ran out after just eight weeks. She was informed on a Friday and unexpectedly back at work the following Monday. Had she realized this sooner she could have saved more money to stay home for that period of time or at least better prepared herself for a shorter leave. Instead she felt forced to return to work and unhappy about doing so.

Make certain to ask your employer if you can use sick leave and/or vacation time to pay for your maternity leave and if you can transition back to work with reduced hours or a more flexible work schedule.

Most importantly plan as much as you can before the arrival of your new little bundle of joy. The sooner you plan and the harder you save the easier the transition to parenthood will be.

March 5, 2015 at 6:40 PM 1 comment

Maternity Leave – How Much Is Enough?

This post is part of Women’s Money Week.


Planning for maternity leave sucks. When I found out I was expecting my first child I sat down with a calendar and mapped out the days and weeks until I would need to return to work.

My son was due in late October and I ran all sorts of calculations to determine the maximum amount of time I could spend at home. Since my vacation hours reset in the new year I wondered if I could take STD, a week or two of vacation, then maternity leave and take another two or three weeks of vacation after that.

No matter how many times I stared at that calendar I could not figure out a way to extend the time beyond ten weeks. I knew I was lucky to get that much paid time off, but the idea of returning to work after less than three months made me feel incredibly sick.

I had every intention of returning to my job after my son was born. My tasks weren’t particularly difficult. I earned a six figure salary and worked from home a few days a week. Who wouldn’t go back to that?

But as fate would have it I never returned. I suffered the consequences of a large company-wide restructuring effort. One day I walked into work and was told my position was no longer needed. After twelve years with the company that was the end of that.

My lay off was a blessing in disguise. I no longer needed to feel torn about staying home versus returning to work. My company didn’t provide maternity leave, but they did pay me in the form of a six month severance check.

I lined up a job that was set to begin when my son turned six months, but as the months came and went I still didn’t feel ready to return to my old cubicle life.

As the due date for my second child approaches I think a lot about the circumstances that brought me to where I am today. I completely understand why employers can’t retain a new mom’s position indefinitely. I also understand the turmoil and inner struggle of women who just want a little more time with their babies.

March 4, 2015 at 4:21 PM 2 comments

Work Life Balance with Children


This post is part of Women’s Money Week 2014.

My previous profession provided a lot of work-life flexibility. We had a set of core hours when we were expected to work, but I could start the work day any time between seven and ten. At the time my husband and I were both late risers, preferring to stay up late at night and wake up later in the morning.

My boss permitted teleworking a year after I started and I worked from home one to three days a week for the remainder of my time there. For the most part I arrived when I wanted and left whenever it was convenient for me. If I wasn’t finished with my work I could open my laptop and complete my assignments in the evening. When I was motivated I worked very long hours, often until one or two o’clock in the morning.

I worked from home, but I did not slack off there. In fact, I was much more productive at home where coworkers could not distract me from my tasks. During those twelve years I earned higher ratings than coworkers who stepped into the office day after day.

After we purchased our beach house my husband and I would often drive down south late on a Thursday evening. On Friday morning I would sit at the kitchen table and work while my husband completed projects around the house. Around six or seven in the evening my husband would tell me to close my laptop so we could eat dinner on the deck or watch the evening sunset.

I was lucky. As a software developer I had a lot of flexibility in how and when I wanted to complete my assignments. This provided an amazing work-life balance and I would urge all women to consider technical careers that provide for such flexibility.

Life moves quickly. I knew this long before my son was born, but since his arrival the evidence is much more apparent. My walls are covered with photographs that include my son’s first day in the hospital, the day we brought him home, crawling around the front yard on a warm autumn day, learning to walk, reading stories, playing with toys, running and dancing. There are hugs with grandparents and special adventures and vacations with my husband and I.

For the time being I have decided to leave the workforce and stay home with my son, but for the most part I do believe that a career in software would still provide a great deal of flexibility. The problem with software is that it requires a great deal of concentration and a small child vying for attention makes it extremely difficult to focus intensely on one task. I would imagine most moms would still need to hire in-home childcare so they could focus while their children play.

Honestly, I don’t know how people juggle careers with work once their children arrive. A few months ago I started taking over simple tasks for my husband’s business. I handle invoices, monthly statements, some recruiting tasks and a couple of other odds and ends. Although my son is two I still find it difficult to focus on a task while he is in the same room with me.

For the first two years of his life he watched almost no television. I would allow him to play on an iPad for thirty minutes from time to time, but his screen time was largely limited. Now if I need to get something done I pop in a thirty minute movie and rush to complete my tasks. To be honest I feel quite stressed as I try to cram everything into this thirty minutes or push my tasks off until nap time when I also attempt to make dinner, complete the laundry and take a few minutes just for myself. I’m certainly not complaining. I consider myself extremely lucky to stay home, but I do wonder how full time working parents get everything done.

I don’t think I’m the kind of woman who could have it all. I can have a career at one point in my life and a young child at another, but I don’t think I could perform both roles well simultaneously.

Photo Credit



March 4, 2014 at 11:55 AM 1 comment

The Best Laid Plans

hand with sand

This post is part of Women’s Money Week 2014.

For twelve years I worked as a software developer for a large financial corporation. When I became pregnant with my son there was no doubt in mind about working: I would continue receiving a paycheck and hire a nanny to watch over my son.

A few months before his birth my company decided to decrease the head count of my department. After twelve loyal years I sat in my manager’s office and learned of my fate. Two hundred employees were getting the boot and my name was included in that list.

Most people wouldn’t consider getting laid off the luckiest of days, but unlike previous cuts this one wasn’t immediate. Over the years I witnessed downsized employees being escorted from the premises by stern looking security guards. This time management decided to keep us on board a few months to wrap up our tasks, document everything we knew and pass on information to the contractors who would take over our jobs.

As luck would have it my last day on the job coincided with the birth of my first child. In fact, he was due just eight days before my scheduled termination date. My company offered a decent severance package, which included employer sponsored health care and two weeks of pay for every year of employment. If I stayed on board until my scheduled termination date I would receive the equivalent of twenty-four weeks of pay.

I wasted no time to updating my resume. I applied to a number of different positions and received requests for interviews quite quickly. Within a matter of weeks I was offered a higher paying job.

I spoke candidly to the recruiter. I let her know that I was pregnant and that I needed to stay on board for another few months. Surprisingly she agreed to the arrangement and delayed my start date until six months after my son’s due date.

Rather than returning to work twelve weeks after my son was born I would take on a new job after six months. My story hadn’t changed that much. I still planned to hold down a job.

But months after giving birth I had a complete change of heart. I decided I wasn’t ready to hand my son over to a nanny. I spoke candidly to my husband and we jointly decided that I would not return to work.

Luckily my husband and I saved a significant amount of money in those first twelve years out of college. We maximized our retirement accounts, we paid down our mortgage, we spent very little on groceries and entertainment, which made the financial decision to stay home less worrisome.

Still it wasn’t an easy decision to make.  As much as I wanted to be home with my son I mourned the decision to leave the workforce. I left behind a piece of myself. I also walked away from a six figure salary.

I still wonder when I will return to work and how hard it will be to find a job when I’m ready, but I do not regret my decision. I experienced the most magical year of my life during that first year out of the workforce.

I think many women have thought long and hard about this decision. Some of my friends knew they wanted to work, others have known they wanted to stay home, but there are a few like myself who have reversed their decisions.

My best advice to those considering having children is to set yourself up financially. You may have every intention of returning to work after the birth of your child, (I know I did), but sometimes your heart pushes you in a different direction.  Try to arrange your finances so that you can stay home if you desire.

March 3, 2014 at 4:21 PM 4 comments

Above All Else You Need a Plan

Life is full of decisions. There are the every day questions we ask ourselves like should I eat egg salad or peanut butter and jelly? Should I go to the store today or wait until tomorrow? And then there are those bigger decisions that weigh on your head and your heart. Those questions differ for everyone but mine included: Where should I go to college? Should I marry this man? Should I buy this house?

Among the ranks of the most difficult decisions I made certainly included: Should I leave the work force to stay-at-home with my son? After months of contemplation I took the leap and have now been home with my son for nearly two years.

Since I decided to stay home I am fascinated with the topic of moms who are faced with this same decision. I know my case is not typical, but not highly unique either. I gave up a six figure salary. I also had the option to stay home where I know many others do not.

I recently read The New York Times article The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In. It tells the tale of a group of highly paid women who opted out of the workforce years ago and now want, (or in many cases need), back in. What struck me most of all in reading this story was how unprepared some of these women seemed.

Did they really think they could leave the workforce and return ten years later to the same job with the same level of pay? Industries are constantly changing and your skills are now ten years behind younger, more eager individuals who are applying for the same positions.

I realize that many of the women interviewed in this article are now divorced. Perhaps they never planned to work, perhaps they never thought about a day where they might need a job. I myself have contemplated a world in which I never need to work again, but let’s face it things change. Situations change. Marriages crumble.

You have to know how much money you have in the bank. You have to keep in mind that it will get split in half in the divorce and that you still need enough money to live on. You have to realize that the interest on a million dollars goes a lot further toward paying a mortgage and utility bills than the interest on $500,000 will.

To be honest I don’t know how a woman making $500,000 at the height of her career didn’t have enough money to fall back on. It seems she should have been able to save a significant amount of money before ever dropping out of the workforce, but I suppose that’s a discussion for another day.

I often think about returning to work. I’ve thought about what skills I need to possess to return to a job similar to the one I had and what skills I would need to look for a completely different job in a completely different industry.

I have a general idea of how much money I would receive in a divorce, (hopefully that never happens) and how much money I would need to live and pay my bills. I know that I am frugal by nature, but I also acknowledge that I could and would significantly downsize my lifestyle.

I’m a planner. In fact every time we purchase something new I drive my husband crazy with a series of ‘what-if’ questions. I want to know how much that decision will cost us today, what factors we need to consider and how it will impact our bottom line in the future. It’s difficult to tell from the opt-out article if any of these women contemplated their futures. If they had any plan other than to leave their jobs and never look back on that decision.

The truth is we all need back-up plans in life. We need to understand our skills and consider returning to school for additional education. We need to keep tabs on our industries and understand how the models are changing. I am always shocked by the number of female students who still graduate with journalism degrees and the very small number who complete degrees in engineering or computer science.

These articles can be difficult to read because they only provide one piece of the puzzle. They focus on a select group of people and provide minimal details on their lives and the decisions they made.

Every individual is unique as is every marriage. What works for one family might not work for another. Many women are thrilled to stay home and others can’t imagine not working.

If you decide to stay home you shouldn’t do so without ever looking back at that decision. You have to have a plan for the future. You have to keep a careful watch over your finances. You have to recognize the fact that you might need to return to work one day.

This is really no different for someone who is working. When I worked as a software engineer I worked alongside many employees who didn’t keep up on their skills. Software is constantly changing and there were so many employees that simply didn’t keep up with the times. They thought their jobs were secure but when layoffs came they found it difficult to find new employment.

No matter what your situation is you have to stay up to date and relevant.

While I loved feeling smart and certainly miss the companionship of coworkers I still believe staying home is the right choice for me. The most important thing I can do is revisit this decision frequently and make certain I have a plan for the future.

August 13, 2013 at 4:53 PM 2 comments

One of the Toughest Aspects of Being a Stay-At-Home Parent

When I was in school I always focused on being the top student in my class. When we learned our multiplication tables I recited the numbers faster than any of the other students. When the teacher held spelling bees I was always the last one left standing and when I began receiving real grades, (A, B, C’s rather than S’s and O’s),  I always aimed for straight A’s.

As an employee I strived for top ratings every review period. While my coworkers seemed to be content to read the newspaper or shop online I searched for problems to solve and then found resolutions to fix them. I often fixed problems my own management team didn’t realize existed. I received the top ratings in all but two of my reviews over a 12 year period and even received the top most rating, (one that only 5% of employees achieve), one time.

My bosses knew I was smart and hardworking. As the years progressed I was put in charge of more challenging and complex projects. At age 24 I led a six person project that included software developers who were more than twice my age. I was proud of that achievement and the work we performed.

While my coworkers were placed onto maintenance projects I was constantly moved onto projects that required new development. I was asked to learn new software packages and to experiment with technologies that were completely new to our company. I loved the challenge of writing code and solving problems.

I always knew that I was the type of girl who liked intellectual challenges, but I never realized how deeply that desire coursed through my veins. To put it bluntly I want to feel smart and it seems I strive for good grades and outstanding reviews as a way to validate my intelligence. Other than the lack of adult companionship I believe it is this feeling that I miss more than any other.

As a stay-at-home mom I don’t perform any day to day actions that make me feel particularly intelligent. While I am challenged to be more empathetic, compassionate and patient I certainly don’t end the day feeling that my intelligence has been tested.

There is also a long term aspect to parenting. I do what I think is best for my son today, but I might not find out if it was the best parenting action for another 20 or 30 years. In software, you write code, run your program and watch it work or fail. While it may take days or weeks to complete the task it certainly doesn’t take years to witness your success or failures.

I do not regret my decision to stay home with my son, but I do believe I need to find a new outlook on my former beliefs. I need to forget about straight A’s and top reviews and realize that I don’t need anyone else to validate my intelligence. Perhaps it is an identity crisis of sorts. After spending my whole life striving for external validation it’s difficult to find myself in a situation where no one is going to pat my back and provide me with parenting kudos.

July 18, 2013 at 2:11 PM 7 comments

Forget Brown Bagging It

For a very long time I believed in collecting my pennies and stashing them away for a rainy day. As the years went by I often found more and more difficult to spend money.

As I waited in the checkout line I wrestled with the decision to spend a few dollars on a sandwich at the local deli. I berated myself with questions like “Why didn’t I pack a lunch?” or “Why didn’t I remember to bring my thermos full of water?”

Every six months I would sit down and review our expenses and balk at my husband as I reviewed the food categories. “How did we spend thousands of dollars on lunches?”

I came up with ways to save. I started packing all of my snacks and drinks. Then moved on to packing leftovers and sandwiches, but after a week or so of following the frugal rules I would fall off the bandwagon.

Now that I stay home with my son I understand why I couldn’t stick with brown bagging it. It is those lunches that I miss more than just about any other aspect of the working day.

Sitting at corner tables in dimly lit restaurants my co-workers and I would complain about management, discuss the latest news and catch up on stories about our boyfriends, husbands, wives and families. I miss the camaraderie and companionship that we shared in those moments.

For the first six years of my career I worked in D.C. My office was within walking distance to a bunch of restaurants and metro accessible to many more. Regardless of the weather my co-workers and I would venture out to grab a bite to eat together.

Since I decided to stay home with my son a lot of people ask me if I miss work. While I don’t miss the hour-by-hour tasks that make up a work day I do miss eating lunch with my co-workers.

I can remember so many specific meals and the people I shared them with. There was the time my 50 year old co-worker told me that I was taking work too seriously. As a 25 year old I wanted to prove my worth and my talent. He told me one day I would have children and leave the working world behind. He said all my desires to ‘be right’ were being wasted, that work wasn’t that important and that once I was gone no would care. He was right on so many counts, but at the time I was to naive to see or understand them.

There was the time my coworker and I talked about her desire to have children, the man she hoped to marry and the dreams she had for their future. She emptied her heart over slices of pizza and it saddens me to know they are now divorced and childless.

Or how about my friend who told me she was coming to terms with the fact that her young son was dying of cancer. I can remember that moment as if I am reliving it right now. As we sat eating tacos on a sunny spring afternoon I wanted to console her, but struggled to find the words to do so.

Those lunches cost me a few dollars here and a few dollars there, but despite long hours, days, weeks and years in the office those lunches are the most memorable.

It’s just another reminder that life is not about saving money. It’s about connecting with the people around you, even when forming those connections means spending a little bit. Those moments may have emptied my pockets, but they certainly filled my soul.

July 3, 2013 at 3:05 PM 6 comments

Will I Ever Need to Work Again?

It seems kind of crazy to think that I haven’t driven to an office in over a year and a half. In November of 2011 I held my newborn son and simultaneously waited for my severance check to arrive. My unexpected layoff and associated severance package was a blessing, but I still wasn’t prepared for life without work.

I interviewed and accepted a new job just weeks after learning about the elimination of my position. I’ve received steady paychecks since the age of 15 and couldn’t imagine a life without them. I worked out a deal to begin the new position six months after the birth of my son, but from the moment I accepted the offer I struggled with my desire to stay home full time. A month or so before the new job was set to begin I reversed my decision.

I know I made the right choice. The past year and a half has been a magical journey and I feel both fortunate and grateful for the opportunity to stay home with my son.

But now that I’ve been home for so long I wonder if I shouldn’t make a plan to return to work. Initially I planned to stay home for six months, which quickly turned into a year and a half. It’s been nearly eighteen months since my son arrived and I am still home with him. Now I wonder how much longer I’ll be here.

My son was born in October and in our state he can’t start kindergarten until after he turns five. If I wait until he’s school age I’ll be out of the workforce for almost six years.

I started thinking about this while I was walking around the neighborhood. Pushing the stroller on a beautiful spring day I thought, “six years seems like an unbelievably long time to be out of work,” so I asked my husband for his opinion and was quite surprised by his response. He said, “I assumed you would never go back to work.”

I can tell you that I never considered a future in which I would not return to work. So after I stopped laughing at his response I asked him if he was serious. When he said he most definitely was I asked him for more details.

Here are his thoughts:

  • My son won’t start kindergarten for another four and a half years.
  • If I got pregnant with another child, (the jury is still out on that decision), and I decide to stay home until he or she starts school you can easily add on another couple of years.
  • In a little over nine years we will own both of our homes outright.
  • If we include additional principal payments we could pay off our primary home within seven and a half years.
  • Once our primary home is paid off we could apply the money we previously spent on our mortgage to pay off principal on our beach home. That would decrease the life of that mortgage by at least one year.
  • By the time both of our houses are paid off our monthly expenses, (due to the lack of mortgage payments), will drop dramatically.
  • Without a mortgage our rental home would finally return a profit or at least break even.
  • If all goes well, the market remains high, my husband’s business flourishes and our investments continue to do well we will have a healthy sum of money in our bank accounts.

I certainly never considered a future in which I didn’t need to work, but now that my husband mentioned it my mind is swimming with possibilities. Rather than searching for a high paying job in a very lonely cubicle I could find a position that I really enjoy. If things move according to plan I could do just about anything.

I’m not sure how we will proceed as the years pass by. I always question prepaying mortgages during a time with low interest rates and you never know how the market will perform as time progresses, but I must say it’s nice to think about a life in which I don’t need to work anymore.

April 9, 2013 at 10:40 PM 11 comments

I Knew It Was Over Long Before It Ended

Now that I stay home with my son a lot of people ask me if I miss my old job. I answer them honestly. I do miss the problem solving aspects of writing code and I certainly miss my interactions with co-workers. (Well the ones I liked anyway.) But the truth is I knew my passion for work was over long before my last day.

When I started working for my former company I enjoyed an easy 25 minute commute. I was young and eager, (only 21), and had a lot to prove to myself. I spent many long nights working from home. This wasn’t expected or required. In fact, most of my coworkers had a hard and fast 9-to-5 rule. I was new to programming, (having been an English major in college), and I was fascinated by the very nature of computer science. My excitement and my desire to succeed spurred me on.

The world of an English major is very subjective, but in the world of computers a program either words or it doesn’t. It was the type of validation I didn’t know I needed, but once I received a taste I craved it more and more.

Six years after I started working I fell ill and stepped out of the workforce for five months to recover from an unexpected surgery. When I returned I found my passion for work had greatly faded. I suffered from a large pulmonary embolism that could have taken my life and from that point on work just never seemed quite as important to me.

My days at work ebbed and flowed. Sometimes I fell into old patterns of working long after hours. I got excited and intrigued by new technologies and difficult problems. Heck, even on my “lazy days” I seemed to work harder than the majority of my coworkers. I sat next to a man who did little to no work and read the newspaper from cover-to-cover each day.

Shortly after recovering from surgery my employer relocated my office. While my coworkers boxed up their belongings to move to the new office I started taking things home. At first it was just some books and training materials, but later it was personal artifacts like pictures. I took one or two items each day and on the day I transferred offices I had only one and a half boxes to take with me.

My 25 minute, 8 mile commute became a 30 mile, 1 1/2 hour nightmare. When I moved into my new cubicle I didn’t unpack. Another sign that I had little desire to be there.  Every so often I looked inside of one of the boxes and dragged another item home.

I endured that long commute for nearly five years, before finally relocating to an office closer to home. While I returned to a shorter commute I felt more miserable than ever.

I tried to throw myself into work, but by that point I had lost all interest in the job at hand. I still gave 110%, but it was hard to muster up any excitement. My new office was lonely, my team was located in multiple places and on most days I didn’t talk to anyone other than my manager, on some days I didn’t even talk to him.

Again I started taking things home, (I’d only moved half-a-box here from my former location), and by the time I was handed a pink slip, (not for my lack of effort, but rather because my entire department was obliterated), I had almost nothing left to carry home.

My heart hadn’t been in my job for quite a long time. I endured years of poor management and poor decision making. Whenever I tried to do things the ‘right’ way I was told to sit quietly. The managers I worked for praised those who were quiet and incompetent. I didn’t fit the bill for either.

I can honestly say that I do not miss my former job. In retrospect I believe I simply wasn’t a good fit for the company that employed me. I stayed because they paid me well, provided outstanding benefits and permitted telework.

This isn’t to say that I wouldn’t be happy at another place of employment. I’m sure I could find a job that would be a much better match for me. But as for the question at hand, I can honestly say I do not miss my job. I knew my passion for it was over long before it ended.

February 24, 2013 at 1:00 PM Leave a comment

Do You Ever Feel Resentful of Your Spouse?

Okay, here’s a question for you. If you work in an industry or job you don’t particularly love, but your spouse works in one they truly enjoy do you ever feel resentful? As a software developer I often worked with men who were the primary breadwinners for their family. They worked long days in less then enjoyable jobs because the pay was high and the benefits were stable. In the mean time their wives worked in lower paying fields that they enjoyed. Some of those men seemed downright miserable and others grew to resent the ‘easier,’ more ‘enjoyable’ life they believe their wives led.

Similarly I’ve known quite a few women who want their husbands to earn more then they do. A few of them resented spouses who couldn’t bring in larger paychecks and a couple who were divorced as a result of it.

As a stay-at-home mom a lot of other women now ask me if my decision to leave the workforce was made jointly with my husband. (The answer is: “of course it was”.) The follow up question is often whether or not that is working out for me and whether my husband has grown resentful of our decision.

I’ve been asked the question often enough that I’ve started to wonder how many husbands and wives feel resentful of their spouses choice of career or lack of one. If you trudge off to work every morning feeling miserable about your job I can see how you might feel resentful of a spouse who enjoys their occupation.

For a few years I made more than my husband, for a few we earned relatively similar salaries and for the last five or so my husband earned significantly more than me, but I still earned a very nice salary. Until I decided to stay home our salaries and earning potential were never an issue. Similarly my husband earned more and enjoyed it more too, so happiness wasn’t really a factor either.

I wonder how many spouses are resentful of their spouse’s lack of income or resent their spouse’s work/life satisfaction. Until now I never gave it much thought, but a couple people have asked me about it, so it must be an issue for some.

October 16, 2012 at 1:52 PM 6 comments

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