I have heard that “I didn’t ask” comment before. It’s good of you and your sister to try to talk to your siblings, (kudos for trying to discuss the topic with them), but unfortunately in the end they have to repair the relationship with your folks. It’s an unfortunate situation, but it’s good that you are trying to right the wrongs of your childhood by making sure things are as equal as possible for your own children. If we have two I would hope to do the same.

It is interesting but just in an informal survey among my friends and family – that IS the prevailing pattern. It seems that the child that received the most support growing up – has an “entitlement” attitude. That it was a “given” that they deserve to get everything without doing anything to deserve it. Therefore, the concept of “giving back” is completely foreign to them. My younger sister and I have tried on several occasions to explain this to our two siblings and all we get is “well, I never ASKED for it – they WANTED to give it to me. ”

As the mother of two now, I don’t play that game with my two children. Both will receive equal support. They have both been told how much their father and I can afford for each year of college for them – if they exceed that amount – they must take out a loan for it – if they go under that amount – they get to keep the “extra”. But they need to go to college or some kind of training school.

We too will try to fund a portion of my son’s education. I believe a strong education is the key to success. You learn a lot of things in school. It’s not just about the classes it’s also about the experience of solving problems and focusing. It sounds like your future children will be on the right track.

That’s an interesting situation. I do believe that parents may feel guilty about these types of things after the fact. It is interesting how often a child who receives a lot provides little back in terms of love and support to his or her parents. I wonder if any studies have been done about that. It would certainly be interesting to see if there really is a pattern.

Thank you so much for sharing your personal story!

I don’t think college tuition or uni fees are in the same ball park as getting a house or a car. If you’re parents can afford it and that’s what they want to do then that is their prerogative.

I’m planning on starting a family soon. Choosing to have children comes with extra financial responsibilities. That also includes school fees and college tuition down the track. As soon as my future child is born I plan to put a couple thousand into shares and then contribute $1k-2K per year over eighteen years so that my future child doesn’t have to start their independence with a financial burden. It might not be enough but it will definitely be a decent start.

Of course there’s also the chance that they might not want to go to college or uni, but that’s something that can be dealt with down the track.

I will say I think my parents feel horribly guilty when they look into the face of my younger sister and I.

Lesson: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!

Yeah, I’ve thought about it some more and I just don’t see how college tuition can be equated with buying someone a house they don’t need. Thanks for leaving so many comments. It’s good to know that others think about this the same way I do.

My parents paid for the vast majority of my tuition and expenses at a Big Ten state university — my federal loan ended up being about $10K (1995 to 1999). I don’t think they considered it a gift — they’ve never discussed it as such or held it over my head in the least. It was one of their goals and values. They somehow managed to put three kids through college in 7 years. They were of the opinion, and still are, that it is better for students to not have to work their way through college. They wanted me to concentrate on my studies and were very proud that I did well (high honors, Phi Beta Kappa). They knew from experience and observation that it’s often very hard to manage studies and a part-time job.

My roommate — now my best friend — struggled to pay her way through college. Her parents had wanted her to study chemical engineering, and when she changed majors, they withdrew financial and emotional support. Time management has always been a struggle for her. Her work schedules fluctuated, as is typical of many low-paying jobs off campus; she missed coursework deadlines and classes; she was late with rent and utilities; and she wound up taking 6 years to graduate with a low GPA. She faced a lot of obstacles and, again, she didn’t get much encouragement from her parents.

You have to be supremely organized and motivated, in my opinion, to work your way through college on schedule. My daughters’ sitter has done so successfully. She is very organized, but she’s also working in her field of study — early childhood education — and her motivation is high. She lives at home and commutes to school, then drives to one of her regular sitting/nannying jobs, or she works in the morning and has class in the afternoon. In 3 years she has never been late or canceled on me because she needed extra study time!

My SIL, on the other hand, took a very long time to get her RN degree because she had to work one or two part-time jobs. I think she was 28 when she finally graduated. She’s very Type A, but that only goes so far. If your job hours — and as a nursing assistant, she wanted work experience — clash with your school schedule, especially for the most important courses/clinical work, it’s not going to be a very smooth, quick path to graduation.

We contribute monthly to our twin daughters’ 529 accounts, and we refinanced our home for a 15-year mortgage so that the house will be paid off before their senior year in high school. We want to help them as much as possible. And I don’t see it as a gift. A wedding is a gift; an education is not.

College costs are spiraling absolutely, unreasonably, insanely out of control, though, so it’s unlikely we’ll be able to pay more than half (my parents, who are generous and happy to be so, plan to help their grandkids pay for school). I also want my daughters to enjoy their campus experience more than my husband did as a transfer student, so I hope they will be on campus beginning freshman year.

Sorry for the very long post!