Thank you. I love my husband deeply, but we still argue. In some cases this is certainly unhealthy, but I think it’s also healthy to talk things through rather than avoiding conflict leading to unresolved problems.

I grew up in a household with low emotional intelligence, poor communication, inconsistency … which set me up awesomely for this stuff…!

I don’t believe couples need to shout at one another. In fact, shouting is an unproductive way to disagree. The point of this post is to explain that we don’t always have to agree with one another, but we do need to find productive ways to listen and hear one another when we don’t agree. In some cases, when couples don’t argue it’s because one partner is failing to state their concerns. If you can agree to disagree that’s great, but couples shouldn’t feel guilty if their disagreements are slightly more heated than that.

I’m so glad your comment was the first one on here Steveark. I often read with dismay that my husband and I are supposed to have shouty arguments or “our relationship isn’t healthy”. We almost never argue and in thirty years of marriage, resolve any disagreements by agreeing to disagree. Every couple is different and what works for some, doesn’t work for others.

How painful. I can see both sides- how you would have felt like a burden and how he never saw it that way.

I suspect that my husband didn’t mean the words the way I took them and had no idea they would be that painful to me. He probably didn’t remember EXACTLY what he said, but since it hurt my feelings, and I have an excellent memory, I probably had the more accurate recall. Still, “I don’t recall” is an excellent defense strategy, even among US Presidents…

He actually admitted it once when we weren’t fighting. Turning the argument used to work before I caught on. He was counting on something like “I never said that!”. “Yes you did!”. “No I didn’t!” Etc etc.

Now I just ask him what he DID say, which he can’t remember either, and the argument is back on track…

We’ve gotten “better” at arguing over the last 18 years. They’re shorter and less painful. Progress!

I inherit the ‘get-over-it-quick’ syndrome from my dad. When we were kids he would sometimes send us to our rooms and come back three minutes later to tell us he was sorry. I can be fuming mad one minute and perfectly happy three minutes later. I never stay mad long and I almost never carry a grudge. I think that’s why I’ve started raising my voice. It quickens the release of energy that lets me say my peace and forgive and forget, even though I know it’s not healthy.

I like the idea of sending an email, but I don’t like how words can be misconstrued without a voice reading them. My husband has tried this approach a few times, but he told me he always deletes it and decides to talk to me instead. He said it does help get his thoughts in order though. Actually writing it out and then still talking might be a trick that would work though. It’s something to consider the next time we face a disagreement.

Do you think your husband forgets what he says in the heat of the moment or is he just denying it so he doesn’t have to apologize? My husband doesn’t forget at the time, but he is starting to get selective memory for old arguments.

My parents aren’t divorced. They really love each other. My worries stem from a very strange place. I got horribly sick six months after my husband and I got married. I had blood clots and medical mysteries that went on for months and residual pain that went on for years. Though my husband never talked about divorcing me I felt broken and guilty that he married me only to have me ‘break’ so soon after marriage. Of course, we marry in sickness and poorness, but I let the weight of that settle squarely on my shoulders. I was miserable company during my medical nightmare. The pain and distress was impalpable.

Despite my worries my husband told me many years later he never considered divorcing me. So it seems the fear was unfounded, but in those early years I wanted to hold on to him. I loved him deeply. I also felt so broken that I feared no one else would love me.

I try pause before I say something in the heat of the moment as well. Hurtful words cannot be retracted. Sometimes I write my husband an email if I know the issue is going to set him off. He can think about it and we discuss it rationally. Sometimes.

My husband’s arguing technique is to deny that he said something, which derails the argument into what he did or did not say. He also falls asleep easily after an argument. There is no better recipe for insomnia for me than being upset- about anything! I wonder why you had so much anxiety about divorce. Were your parents divorced? It is certainly worth worrying about though. I’ve been divorced and can’t say I’d recommend it.

Thanks for your comment. 99% of the time we discuss matters calmly just like you and your wife, but every once in awhile a larger issue will bubble up to the surface that results in a heated debate. I went back to read this post and realized I didn’t make that very clear. We don’t curse at one another either during those disagreements. I just rant for a minute and then feel better. Still I don’t like raising my voice at all so I’m working on stopping that behavior. As I mentioned it’s a new phenomenon for me and one that is not at all productive for either of us.