Thanks for the comment Dennis. I am definitely working on carving out time to explore my own dreams, desires and hobbies. Thanks for letting me know that your wife was able to do that for herself. I think I need other female role models to remind me to take time for myself.

You are right: no one needs to validate your intelligence for you to feel happy. There are happiness “techniques” and happiness “habits” that anyone can adopt and have a rich life.

I’ve never written about it on this blog, but I have a small fear of comparing children. I think that’s one of the reasons I’ve been hesitant to have a second child. My parents never compared us, but my grandmother often did. It always made me feel bad.

I do think a part time job would be a good compromise between external validation and staying home with my son. Good for you, for finding a solution that works!

I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me. I didn’t realize that I was equating my role as a stay-at-home mom with a job rather than a relationship. It is an extremely valid and important point and it completely changed my perspective on being with my son. You are correct that our children cannot fulfill us or be the basis of our identity. I spent an hour or so reflecting quietly on my life and then ordered Mojo Mom. I can’t wait to read it.

Also – I completely agree with your point about having time, hobbies and interests outside of raising my son. I certainly want him to know what it is that mommy loves outside of him.

It’s a good book; I’ve given it to many friends.

I have twins, so I am constantly faced with the issue of comparisons. They are fraternal twins, and unlike my brothers, who are identical twins, their abilities, interests, and personalities are quite different. I’ve wondered how much their abilities reflect on my own methods and felt guilty at times, especially as they get older. At the same time, as they get older, I’m more able to see how they are very different, and I get (YAY!) external validation from teachers and instructors that they are good kids and we are good parents.

Things that have helped me: freelance work, relying on a weekly babysitter, preschool (see: external validation, but also free time), and taking time for my own interests — in front of them — and knowing (now that they are older) that my daughters like these insights into mommy’s personality. “Mommy’s talent is speaking French! Mommy loves to read about Jane Austen! Mommy wishes she had had chocolate milk in school because she doesn’t like plain milk.” It’s sweet and gratifying. So I’d encourage you to talk to your son, even though he is young, about who you are, your likes and dislikes, and your doubts.

I also struggle a bit with comparing my kids, especially my 2 year old, to other kids. She’s pretty bright for her age, but I don’t want her to feel pressured to always be the smartest or feel superior to other kids who aren’t as fast to learn as she is.