I have always been the responsible child in the family. Still, there have been times when I struggled.

I once asked my parents to co-sign a loan. They refused saying it would not be fair to my brother and sister. I was okay with that, at the time.

However, when my brother and sister, both NOT responsible types, asked them for large amounts of money, not just to co-sign a loan, but a gift of money, my parents always gave it to them.

It is very hurtful and feels unloving.

I know it is their money, but if you love your children equally, a parent should show treating the children equally with gifting money or giving loans or co-signing one.

My mother gave my sister an large sum of money to buy a house with the caveat that she and my dad would live in the basement apartment.

However, my irresponsible sister never allowed them to move in, allowing her in-law to move in instead.

She also had money for a weeks vacation to Europe, but never offered to pay back my parents, instead of taking a vacation.

This upset my parents, greatly. They said they felt hurt an unloved and second best.

Oh well, karma, perhaps.

I totally missed that you had responded! We did talk to my husbands parents once and they did tell us that they feel they have enough set aside for retirement and that we don’t have to worry, but the amount of worried money talk I hear in regards to them supporting my husbands brothers family makes me worry that that is not really the case. They definitely think their son and daughter in law need to get their act together, but hold back on saying or doing anything to upset them (including stopping the handouts) for fear of being cut off from the grandkids (ages 4 and 6). My MIL has even cried and told me that she knows that at some point what she gives them financially won’t be enough and she’ll lose the relationship at some point, but isn’t ready for it to happen now. The whole situation is both frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time.

I think there is a lot of unspoken jealousy between family members when unequal gifts are provided. Of course, it also depends on your parents attitude about these types of things. If they don’t need the money and think the other family deserves the gifts you offer then there is no problem. I find it interesting that families rarely discuss these types of gifts among one another. You never know when someone is harboring resentment.

You have a great attitude towards your sister and her needs. Do your parents offer to help her or does she ask to be helped?

I think your question about providing gifts to the previous generation is an interesting one. If you have the money and want to share it with your in-laws I think that’s great. If they appreciate and your own parents were not upset by your action then I say kudos for thinking of them!

Thanks for your comment Jenn. It has been a very long process in letting go. I’d like to say I meditated and prayed on it. I took long walks and thought about all that was good in my life and decided not to waste energy on things that couldn’t be changed. I have a good life though, so it’s easier to turn the other cheek most of the time. Have you (or your husband) ever spoken to your fears to your in-laws? I have had a few discussions w/ mine and although I do not agree with their ideas it did make me feel good knowing that at least a few words were said about the situation. It was killing me pretending like the problem wasn’t occurring. They continue to do whatever they want, but at least they know we are aware of their actions. In my case my in-laws have a lot of money so I don’t have the same fears you do. If you can talk to them you probably should. Just make sure you come from a place of concern not jealousy. That’ll allow you to open the discussion without people closing down.