Struggling to Spend Money on Myself
September 28, 2012 at 11:00 AM 18 comments
This has been a hard week for me. Nothing in particular has gone right or wrong, but for some reason I seem to be in deep contemplation about many aspects of my life. Lately I’ve been questioning my relationship with money and my quest to pinch pennies and save wherever and whenever I can.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom for twelve years. During that time, (actually even after she took on a part time job), I rarely if ever saw her spend money on herself. She would buy toys and clothes for my brother and I, but she would never spend money to fix up the house or buy herself anything. If she came home from an afternoon of shopping it was typically my grandmother who bought her new shoes or clothes.
I remember inviting friends to my parent’s house back when I was in college. When my friends arrived they commented on the horrid bathroom decor complete with mirrored wall paper and glass chandeliers. All chosen, (of course), by the previous owners who my parents purchased the house from in 1977.
Prior to that moment I never really thought about the state of our house. It looked like it was straight out of the 70s. We had a functional yet hideous green stove, mirrored wall paper, dark wood paneling and rust-colored shag carpeting.
My mom didn’t update the house for three reasons. First, she wasn’t earning a paycheck. Second, my dad didn’t make a ton of money. Third, she didn’t want to spend money on things for herself, she chose to spend the money on her husband and children.
As I grow and age I realize that I am falling into the same patterns as my mother. I have never been one to spend a lot of money on myself. I don’t shop often and I rarely buy things that I really want. These days new purchases are typically directed towards my son or our home.
No offense to my husband, (I know he’ll take offense if he reads this post), but he has absolutely no problem spending money. This summer he spent over $1000 on a landscaping company who weeded, mulched, edged, mowed and planted new azaleas. He dropped $4000 on a retaining wall that provides a clear line of separation between our property and the neighbors. He paid another $1500 to place decking under our beach house in North Carolina. This is in addition to a $1400 ice machine and $2000 worth of new cameras.
When he wants to buy something he does it. He doesn’t spend 30 minutes searching for coupon codes or comparing prices. He simply pulls out his wallet and types numbers into the online submission forms and two days later boxes arrive from Amazon.
I don’t expect to start spending money at the drop of a hat, but I would like to feel more at ease buying items I want or need. I waste so much time worrying about saving money. Trying to clip coupons, scouting out deals and generally denying myself from spending any money. It’s difficult to take saving so seriously when my husband is spending thousands of dollars to suit his desires.
As I reflect on my actions I am amazed by how closely they mimic my mother’s behavior. The goal always seemed to put everyone else’s desires and needs above her own.
Although I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember I believe my stay-at-home status has exacerbated my behavior. Now that I’m not earning a paycheck I find it even more difficult to spend money on myself.
To be honest I’m not certain how to get over this hurdle. I’ve been this way for so long that I can’t imagine doing things any differently.
I’d love to hear from my readers. Do any of you struggle to spend money on yourself? Do any of you have advice for me?
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1.
Teeners | September 28, 2012 at 1:14 PM
This is the first time I’ve ever commented on a blog post (of any blogger!) after several years of readership. However, this post really resonated with me. My only debt is my mortgage, and I have a fairly healthy retirement account for someone my age (30). BUT, I just have an amazing ability to talk myself out of what I deem “unnecessary” purchases.
Here’s how I’m trying to change. I set a saving goal for myself every month. At the end of the month, if I’m left with extra money after deducting my expenses and savings, I may use that money to treat myself. It’s still hard sometimes because I want to put that extra money into savings, but this is how I buy superfluous items without feeling like I’m throwing off my retirement.
I’m also mindful that life is short. Although I’m healthy, I could very well die in a car accident before I get to retire. Since we can’t take our money with us, I’d really like to enjoy some of its benefits while I’m able to.
2.
One Frugal Girl | September 29, 2012 at 9:38 AM
Thanks Teeners for leaving a comment. I’m so happy you decided to leave your first comment on my blog! I also have an amazing ability to talk myself out of making purchases. I like the idea of setting aside a certain amount of ‘play’ money each month that I can spend. Otherwise, like you, I think I’ll talk myself out of spending it.
BTW – I had a major medical issue back in 2005, so I know that life can end at any time. For some reason this didn’t change my philosophy when it comes to money. It changed many other aspects of my thinking, but not financial ones related to saving. I don’t know why.
3.
Beatrice | September 28, 2012 at 2:40 PM
I think our parents have a lot of influence on our attitude towards money and our saving/spending habits. My parents are very frugal and spend very little money on “fun” stuff (i.e., vacation, new clothes, restaurants) for themselves. Like my parents, I find myself being quite frugal and spend a lot of time online finding deals/using coupons where my husband thinks it’s too much of a hassle. He has an easier time pulling the trigger on big purchases where I usually need time to mull things over and do research. Once my husband signed up for a cable TV deal and got a free $200 gift card and promptly used it to buy himself an expensive Tumi suitcase. I made him feel guilty about not using the gift card towards something for the “family”. I just thought it was a bit selfish and know that if I were in his shoes, I would have definitely used it towards something that both of us could use. But at least he used it on something useful. Unlike my parents, I do spend money on restaurants and vacation/travel because I really enjoy those things. I guess my advice to you would be that it’s okay to be frugal and save money but you should pamper yourself from time to time and not feel guilty about it. Life is too short–enjoy it!
4.
One Frugal Girl | September 29, 2012 at 9:45 AM
Thanks for the comment Beatrice. My parents were the same way growing up. They do spend money eating out now, but when I was a child they rarely did that.
I would’ve felt the same way about my husband as you did about yours. Thanks for sharing that story. I’m not sure why it’s so much easier for my husband to spend money on things he wants or for that matter why I get so upset when he does it. I wish it didn’t bother me so much.
I agree that life is short. I think I do need to start setting aside a little fun money to spend on myself. Deprivation is never a good idea!
5.
Ruby Leigh | September 28, 2012 at 4:25 PM
Even when money is there, I struggle to want to spend it. I plan out ways of saving sooner than ways of spending. Mostly I think this is a good thing. Not that I never spend on myself, but I find it much easier to buy for others, for the home, or groceries. When I bought my bike, I felt compelled to write a blog post about it. When I bought a laptop last year, it was for work related reasons. Even then I shopped around, researched and in the case of the laptop bought a store model that had been discounted in a Christmas sale. I’m always wanting earn, clip coupons, or shop used and garage sales even when the savings are pretty small… not sure where that comes from… my mom has similar tendencies so that’s a certainly a factor.
6.
One Frugal Girl | September 29, 2012 at 9:49 AM
Thanks for sharing Ruby Leigh. Do you also second guess your final purchases and wonder if you could’ve found a better deal by waiting, buying elsewhere, etc? Sometimes I find that thinking so much about spending makes it extra difficult to spend, because at the end of the day I wonder if I could’ve saved even more!
7.
Michelle | September 28, 2012 at 7:11 PM
I hardly ever spend money on myself. I tend to feel guilty, but I LOVE spending money on others. I don’t know why.
8.
One Frugal Girl | September 29, 2012 at 9:46 AM
I’m the same way. I can easily spend money on my husband or son, but rarely on myself. I’m glad I’m not the only one!
9.
Joe@IGotOuttaDebt.com | September 29, 2012 at 11:08 AM
I saw your blog on pfblogs feed on Yahoo and thought I’d take a look.. great post.
I can relate in a manner. My parents had no problem spending money. In fact, when I was growing up, I was completely unaware of how money worked. I started working at 13 on a paper route, and rather than saving money for later (which would have been a good parental lesson) I spent a crap-ton of my money on comics.. So, the relate ‘in a manner’ is kinda reverse. How to limit my self on spending money on myself, rather than NOT limiting it.
During our recent get out of debt effort, my wife & I kept a ‘fun money’ fund for ourselves. More of an allowance. While taking our $68k in credit card debt to $0, we put a little aside for ourselves. Start there. Create a ‘fun account’ and budget/plan some money into it.
Then, try to look at yourself objectively, like observing a stranger. Ask yourself what this stranger needs… new clothes, shoes, Kindles, whatever. (If that’s too difficult, ask a friend.. who you won’t get mad at for telling it straight). Have them do that exercise for you. That can create your list of things to treat yourself with. Work within the ‘fun money’ account you set up and see how that plays out.
Good luck.. and enjoy it!
10.
One Frugal Girl | September 30, 2012 at 1:36 PM
Thanks for the comment Joe. I follow similar advice when cleaning out my closets. I bring a friend or family member over and ask them what I should keep, buy more of or get rid of. I never thought about it in this example, but it sounds like an interesting and fun idea.
11.
Jen | September 29, 2012 at 11:28 AM
Interesting – I consider myself pretty frugal, and was a SAHM for 5 yrs (now part time), but I never really experienced this. I think part of the difference is that I gave myself “permission” to spend on an small allowance system, and that little bit I had to spend I gladly and joyfully did. However, this was the only $ I spent on myself – even for clothes and such that others might easily take out of monthly income. After about a year, the allowance morphed into, “whatever I can make on the side, I can spend on myself”, which included babysitting, online surveys/product tests, consignment sales, and most recently 25% of my husband’s yearly bonus after tax (he receives a similar 25% share). Even now this is all I take for myself, my real paycheck goes straight to the kids college fund and our “car fund”.
BTW, the husband (who earns almost 90% of our income) also does the weekly allowance thing for his personal spending, although his allotment is WAY bigger than mine ever was! We find it a great way to not ever disagree about our personal spending habits, while the majority of our $ is kept for the needs of the family and savings.
While it sounds like you guys are doing great, you may eventually need to gently reign in your husband’s style of spending if you continue down the SAHM path for a while. I have to admit, I added up the things he spent on this summer and my reaction was “that’s a quite decent preowned small SUV right there!”
12.
One Frugal Girl | September 30, 2012 at 1:40 PM
Jen –
You hit the nail on the head with that SUV comment. We’ve talked about buying a new-to-us car many times, but there is always some reason or another to delay the purchase. Looking back on all that my husband purchased this spring and summer I realize just how much money we could have placed in our ‘car fund’.
I’m taking your advice and using profits from any little side gigs (like this blog), surveys, etc. as my ‘fun money’. It’s a great suggestion!
13.
anexactinglife | September 29, 2012 at 3:50 PM
I found that being in a one-earner household totally changes the dynamics. The stay-at-home person typically spends on the house and family, while the earner usually feels they deserve some splurges. The Stay-at-Home makes a career of doing what is best for the household, while the other doesn’t spend as much time in the home and may be influenced by co-workers or by what other “professionals” have.
14.
One Frugal Girl | September 30, 2012 at 1:43 PM
Interesting thought. I think the working parent maintains more individuality by working outside of the home and thus sees more reason to spend money on his or herself. I tend to think more from a family perspective, because I am most often around my family.
15.
Newlyweds on a Budget | October 1, 2012 at 3:39 PM
I’m curious if your husband discussed these purchases with you before he pulled the trigger. Any time my husband and I spend more than a certain amount, we have to discuss it. There isn’t much wiggle room in our budget so if we need to make a purchase we have to figure out how we’re going to pay for it.
For a long time, most of my income was going to support my husband, and I would get bitter when he would spend money and yet I couldn’t even afford to go out to dinner with my friends. Nowadays, I use my side hustle income to pay for things I want–like our trip to Costa Rica (happening soon!) , my trip to San Francisco with my friends, and even clothes! I’m not taking any money away from the household budget, because that’s what my whole paycechk goes toward. But side hustle? that’s all mine.
16.
One Frugal Girl | October 2, 2012 at 3:29 PM
I’m totally into the side hustle idea. It makes perfect sense to use what little money I make from blogging, survey taking, etc. to pay for things I want. My husband did talk to me about these things, but in all due honesty once he’s made up his mind about spending it’s more informing then discussing. Hmmm. Maybe that’s why I’m so annoyed by it!
17.
Kay | October 3, 2012 at 10:08 AM
I was a stay at home mom by chocie for 4 yrs before i started working. I fell into the same pattern as you and it was very depressing to not spend money on myself (as if i was not worth it).. it took me a long time to realize this pattern and make a conscious decision to get out of it.
It is very important to allocate a certain fun money / allowance for yourself to spend only one fun things.. if it doesnt get used in that month, add it to next month’s fun allowance.
I remember reading that you don’t get time of your own. maybe you might want to sue some of your fun money for a babysitter for an hour or 2 to watch your child while you get a massage or go shopping or work on a hobby.
18. » Certainly Not a Frugal Decision One Frugal Girl | October 3, 2012 at 11:36 AM
[...] want to thank everyone who commented on last week’s post Struggling to Spend Money on Myself. I’ve taken a lot of time over the past few days to consider my options. I thought long and [...]