As our children snacked on orange slices and blueberries, a new friend and I chatted under a shady pavilion. We asked each other introductory questions like: What do you like to do for fun? Where did you grow up? You know the basic stuff.
Eventually, we finished eating and began to pack up. One minute my friend was plopping discarded orange rinds into a bag. The next she turned and said, “You are the richest person I know.”
The words rolled off her tongue like any other indisputable fact. She could have said the grass is green or the sky is blue. Her tone wouldn’t have sounded any different. It was simply a thought she believed to be true.
I felt the blood rush to my face. “What makes you think I’m rich?” I asked. I thought about our past interactions and conversations. Did I do or say something to make her feel that way?
“You own a big house and drive a big, new SUV,” she said quite matter-of-factly. “My friends and family live in apartments and drive small, old cars.”
Moments earlier, we were discussing our kids’ favorite pastimes. Her daughter’s love of dance. My son’s fondness for puzzles. How had the conversation turned to wealth?
More importantly, why did my cheeks flush when she made this particular comment? Why did I feel so incredibly uncomfortable discussing this topic?
Modest About Money
I am not the type of person to flaunt my wealth. I am incredibly modest about money.
Every day I read blog posts and news articles listing the financial accomplishments of those seeking wealth. They include details like:
- I saved $1,000,000.
- I retired at 30.
- I own multiple rental properties.
You can find names, financial figures, and smiling images all over the news, and you can practically feel the pride emanating from those pictures. I applaud those who share their stories, but I could never do the same. Instead, I hide my wealth from those who know me.
Why do I hide?
This question has lingered in the back of my mind for years. How can I write a blog about money yet shy away from financial success in real life?
I couldn’t put my finger on the reason until a very specific memory popped into my mind.
My Best Friend
Growing up, my best friend and I lived directly across the street from one another. We were inseparable as small children and remained close throughout high school. I went to my friend’s house every day after school and all day (from morning until nightfall) in the summer.
We lived in a working-class neighborhood in identical three-bedroom, 1200 square foot houses. Neither of our moms worked when we were little, but our dads probably earned comparable incomes. My dad worked for the government. Her dad owned a small construction company.
We were close until I left for college. When I went away to school, my friend stayed home and found a job as an office assistant. I think she wanted to go to college, but no one in her family had ever gone before.
Losing That Sense Of Belonging
When I returned home the summer after freshman year, I immediately went to visit her. I couldn’t wait to catch up. We talked like old friends do and rattled on and on as if a year hadn’t passed.
As we were talking, her dad walked into the kitchen. “Oh,” he said, “Little Ms. College Student has come for a visit. I’m surprised to see you here. Aren’t you too good for us now?”
I was eighteen at the time and unsure of what to say. His words hung in the air around me. I loved this family like they were my own. My best friend’s mother acted like a second mother when I was growing up. My best friend was like a sister to me.
Suddenly I felt like an unwanted outsider.
Emotions and Money
When I reflect on that moment, I’m unable to describe my emotional state. Perhaps I felt embarrassed by his words, ashamed of my opportunities, or guilty for talking about my experiences. Maybe, it was all of the above.
Money was always tight in my friend’s household. Unfortunately, her parents constantly mismanaged it. Contracting work comes and goes, but whenever my friend’s dad landed a big contract, he’d blow through everything he earned.
If there was a lapse between contracts, he couldn’t pay the bills. So they sat in a stack on the edge of their kitchen table. My friend’s mom would circle the amount owed with a bright red marker and show them to her dad as soon as he walked in the door.
College didn’t provide me with a bucket full of money, but it did give me a ticket to a higher-paying job and a better future. Maybe that was too much for him. Was he disheartened by his path in life? Was he jealous of the path that stood before me?
Maybe he thought I didn’t deserve the rewards a college degree would provide, or perhaps he felt guilty that his daughter wouldn’t receive the same opportunities. I’ll never know. Similar incidents followed this one. My presence was no longer desired in their home, and my friend and I soon parted ways.
Lost Opportunities
Eventually, I would earn more money than my friend, her sister, and parents combined. My friend’s dad was uncomfortable with that idea and many others.
Our relationship was never the same after that. My friend remained in our small town while I moved away. Her family still struggles to pay the bills. Many of them still live together because one income is not enough to support an entire household.
I will always wonder what kind of life she could have led. How could college have helped her succeed in life? What opportunities could she find with a degree?
I will never forget the moments we shared as children. When I see her today (without her family), I can’t stop smiling. If I could wish success for anyone in life, I would most definitely wish it for her.
Downplaying Success
I learned a valuable lesson from my friend’s father. In order to fit in sometimes, you have to downplay your success. I suppose I have taken this lesson to heart. I’ve hidden my success and my wealth for decades.
So you can imagine my shock when my new friend said, “You are the richest person I know.” I work so incredibly hard to make it look like we’re not wealthy. I am the quintessential millionaire next door. My lifestyle does not reflect my bank accounts.
So what did I do when she made the ‘richest ‘comment? I downplayed my success the same way I always do.
“We bought our house when the market was low,” I said. “Oh, and we just replaced our car. The old one was over fifteen years old.”
Those things are true. Another truth: I am the richest person she knows.
The Stigma Behind Wealth
What does the word ‘rich’ convey to you? To much of the world, it represents someone who is unsympathetic and uncaring. It’s a harsh adjective to use in a world where others are struggling.
If you search for the word ‘rich,’ you will find synonyms like wealthy, affluent, prosperous, and plush. But in this day and age, even those words carry significant weight with them.
For example, consider the term’ filthy rich.’ The original definition referred to those who earn money dishonestly. Now ‘filthy rich’ refers to someone who has so much money it’s deemed offensive.
The word ‘rich’ assumes such a negative connotation that many people don’t use it. They now use the term ‘well-off ‘instead.
For the record, my friend didn’t say, “it’s bad to be rich.” She simply stated her observation. I connected the dots between her words and that idea.
Wealth Divides Us
My friend’s dad permitted my education and eventual wealth to divide us from one another. It was a division that didn’t need to occur. His words would have been better off left unspoken.
As an adult, I can see the pain that echoed through his comments. But, as an eighteen-year-old, I could only feel the pain he inflicted.
My wealth and education are not the only attributes that define me. Who I am and how I behave are much more important than how many degrees I’ve earned or how much money I’ve saved along the way.
I will be judged. We all judge one another, but I don’t want money to be a deciding factor in my relationships. So I keep my financial details bound up safe where my money can’t be used against me.
While not wealthy, I think a statement like that would make me pause too. I worry that saying we don’t have car payments or credit card balances to people in real life will sound like bragging or rubbing it in their faces. In reality I am very proud of the financial choices we’ve made in life. While we may not be wealthy, we are able to afford for me to stay home with the kids at this point and I couldn’t be more grateful!
Hi Cassie, Thanks for your comment. I talk about financial stuff a lot, but I never mention my own finances when doing so. Interestingly enough, most people don’t even ask me, but when it does come up I always downplay my success. I suppose that’s the beauty of the Internet. Now we can find each other online and keep things quiet in real life. Congratulations on managing your finances so that you can stay at home. I am so grateful I had that same opportunity!
I ran a company so I was older and had more income and investments than most of my employees. I was frugal as well and had a smaller house and older cars than many of them too, so that I could pay the house off early and never have a car payment. But I learned you can’t give money advice to people who already see you as “rich”. You may have gotten to where you are by being very smart and self controlled but they won’t see it that way. They see you as being lucky and bragging about it if you give advice. Limit that kind of money talk to your peers who have similar financial situations or to people with more than you have so you can learn something. Otherwise you will offend people even though your motives are pure.
Your idea is very interesting. “But I learned you can’t give money advice to people who already see you as ‘rich.'” That actually makes a lot of sense to me. When financial conversations used to come up for me at work a lot of people would level the playing ground and now I can see why. It is easy to dismiss someone who has already attained wealth, which is funny, because most people achieve success through more than just inheritance and good luck. Thank you for the thoughtful comment.
I really appreciate your post. I’m a little uncomfortable with “rich” as well. We don’t spend a lot of money so we don’t look rich, but I’m retiring early next year, and I’m a little worried how people will perceive this- and me. It’s why my blog is anonymous. There are a lot of issues I’m dealing with regarding money and early retirement, but it seems like bragging to talk about them with people who know me. Insightful post. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for your comment. I wish you the best of luck in your early retirement. I left my job to become a stay-at-home mom, but very few of my friends ever talked about the financial decision of that with me. Of course, becoming a stay at home parent is very different than leaving the workforce for early retirement. I’m curious if people will ask you more questions about it.
A few of my friends talk to me about their financial issues, but I never share mine. If my close friends asked me outright I would probably just direct them to my blog and let them uncover the details for themselves. It’s so difficult for me to discuss this stuff in person. Especially when I know my friends are not in similar circumstances.
I feel one of the problems with our society is that those around us don’t talk enough about money.
I think it very selfish not to let those we care most about the secret about earning and investing money.
If my friend came to me and said hey I am retiring today by following this these simple money tips.
But I did not want to tell you 10 years ago because I did not want you to feel bad or judge me, so sorry now you will need to start today and it will take you 10yrs!
I would be very mad that they did not share with me earlier that they did not trust our friendship enough not to want to share with me their knowledge.
I don’t want fake friends to talk about the weather with I want friends that will make me better in some way
Thanks for the comment Brian I love everything about it. I talk about money a lot in real life. I share my knowledge as often as I can with others, but I don’t put it in the context of ‘look what I’ve done’ or ‘look how much I’ve accomplished.’ I talk about articles and ideas with those who are open to listening. When the moments are right you can’t get me to stop talking. But this must also be brought into context with those I’m speaking to. Will my friend who is earning minimum wage be able to accomplish what I did? No. Can we talk about higher education, training and saving? Yes. I base my conversations on my peer groups and speak in third person when possible. I don’t have to show off my accomplishments to teach others. In fact, my modesty has gotten friends to open up more than anything else.
This post was right on the mark! I too downplay my wealth to outsiders. Going as far as driving a 13 year old vehicle and being careful not to overdress when I am around friends and neighbors not wanting to give the appearance of wealth at the risk of being judged. It seems to be easier to blend in or fit in rather than be cast as an outsider. But then on the flip side of the coin it would seem true friends wouldn’t care how much money we did or did not have.
Our very close friends are aware of our wealth and they too could care less. I think that’s the value of true friendships. In fact, looking back I know that my best friend from childhood wouldn’t have been phased by our wealth. She would’ve been extremely happy for me. It was her dad who ruined our relationship. But until I know someone extremely well I don’t share too many financial details. As I mentioned in the comment above I will share financial advice. I just don’t discuss my own financial success in the process. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.
This is such an excellent post! I can relate to so much of what you’ve written about. I come from pretty humble beginnings, and I very much try to keep the presentation of a low key middle class family. Lately I’ve been wrestling with the fact that realistically – my family is rich, not middle class.
Frankly I don’t want my kids to be “rich kids”. Middle class is a way more comfortable term, that gives me commonality with a much larger group of people. “Rich” gives me commonality with a group of people that I feel I don’t identify with – due to all the stereotypes you mentioned. It’s a very strange feeling – I clearly need to give a lot more thought to this topic!
Hmmm. This is an interesting comment and something I hadn’t thought about myself. Perhaps I too am biased against being rich. I don’t want my children to define themselves that way, (even though they are), and I don’t want others to pin them into that box either, but surely rich people can also be amazing humanitarians. I suppose the real question is how do we remove the stereotypes so that our net worth isn’t tied to the negative personality traits that define our idea of wealthy.
Ouch that was a lot for your friend’s dad to lay on an 18 year old. I’m sorry that happened and that it apparently wasn’t a one-time thing.
I’m definitely upper middle class now, which I have to keep reminding myself because like you I don’t let my lifestyle reflect my income. I don’t know how I’d react if someone ever said commented on my wealth. I don’t think I’d handle it well. But you’re right that it’s just a word. We’ve imbued it with too much power I think.
Oh Abigail you are 100% right. As a whole we tie too much of our identity to our net worth. The word ‘rich’ is associated with so many negative personality traits. Having grown up without a lot of money I suppose it’s hard to separate having money with all of the negative stuff.
I’ve had similar experiences and hence decided to blog anonymously. When Forbes wanted a picture of me to feature in the article I sent one where my face is not visible although it was an honor to be there. Why did I feel like I was doing something wrong to hide.
Unfortunately with the current political climate, billionaires and millionaires is a dirty word and you can see great people being vilified for their success.
Thanks for the comment. My interview with Forbes was so funny. The interviewer was super surprised that I didn’t want to associate my name with the article and I kept thinking ‘yeah I guess most people want to be famous.’ These days trying to stay anonymous is definitely a rarity.
Check out the book Limbo! It takes a deeper look at those of us who left blue collar families for education and eventual white collar “success”
Thank you for the suggestion. I just checked out this interview on NPR. Now I need to find the book.
Yes, i love that book!
I came across your post from a link on Get Rich Slowly. It was an excellent (and timely) read, as my husband has been dealing with comments from friends about our financial choices of late.
I’ve been a SAHM since my daughter was born – she’s 22 today.
We lived frugally on one income in the NorthEast so our children could be home-schooled. We drive older cars (no payments), our kids have always worked since high school – and paid for their own college (we helped in other ways – cars to drive, books, travel costs).
We don’t do fancy vacations, or have the latest tech, but have a ‘rich’ life by enjoying what is important to us.
Living the life you love and making sound financial choices is valuable for peace of heart and mind.
Thanks for a great post!
Hi Deb, Thank you for such a kind and lovely comment. I love your definition of a ‘rich’ life and I couldn’t agree with you more! A rich life is not made of fancy vacations and expensive computers it’s made by enjoying what is important to you. It’s a blessing to ‘live the life you love!” Thank you for reminding me of that fact.
I think that it comes down to living a lifestyle different from your social group. It’s natural for people to be comfortable with others that are like them. When you are “rich” people expect you to do “rich” things. For those who are not wealthy, that means doing the things they see “rich” people do through the media. When you are different, there is a natural element of distrust because you don’t fit their stereotype.
My husband and I both came from very well off upper middle class families, yet we have always chosen to buy houses half the size where we grew up, which also means in less affluent areas. I think people always expect upward mobility in lifestyle. It confuses some that we would choose otherwise, and others think we are poor. In fact, our own son thought we were poor while we were remodeling our house and basically camping in it. All his friends from school would comment on how small our house was and its condition (we live in a boundary with a wide socioeconomic demographic all the way up to 15,000 square foot houses). We of course let him know about our financial choices and how we prefer a small house and my husband likes home projects even though we could afford much more. It was a good lesson for him because now he is happy living in a small house and doesn’t see the need or have the desire for a bigger one in his own future. It’s interesting how an abundant and intentional mindset affects children and their wants.
Now I am faced with the opposite issue. Because I am pursuing my passion, I am frequently mingling with very wealthy and influential groups of people. I remember entering an art gallery for a princess’ reception, and the host immediately came up to me, obviously did a once over of my non fashionable clothing and simple shoes and proceeded to nicely interrogate me as to my invitation and who I knew. I realized that how you dress, spend, and act to fit in really do matter on both ends of the spectrum. I also met many more people at this particular reception who were quite a bit more gracious, but it made me realize that I might need an outfit or two in my wardrobe to be taken seriously by some people in this new world, or at least to make them comfortable and like they are talking to a peer.
I think of it as manners. The point is to make people feel comfortable and be socially gracious. That means being socially and culturally aware and acting in ways that make others comfortable. Of course, there are times to make others uncomfortable, but those are rare and usually based on core values.
Now I am just not sure how to navigate in two very different societies. At heart, I am a middle class person and even my fancy dreams are the dreams of a middle class person. I am comfortable with that, and that’s how I live most of my life. However, because I am truly striving to make very impactful changes for society, I feel I also need to grow into this new role. I guess my worry is how to explain to my neighbor why I am wearing nice clothing, or the inevitable shock on a wealthy person’s face if they ever see my chosen home.
It’s hard when you live a life outside the mold.
As for Forbes, the best lesson my dad ever taught me was the value of anonymity. Freedom is truly valuable, and you give a lot of that up when you are famous, especially when you are famous for having money. Anonymity is freedom. I am inspired by your resolve to remain anonymous for Forbes.
Anonymous, this is the most thoughtful and thought provoking comment I have received in quite some time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s true that “it’s hard when you live a life outside the mold.” It’s also true that your friends, family and business partners change so that you can fit into one group and no longer fit within another. Over the years I have learned to feel comfortable in my own skin. This is and will continue to be a long work in progress, but I am certainly getting better as the years go on. I have learned above all else to feel good about who I am with or without money. For instance, am I a good person, do I help others, do I go out of my way to be kind, etc? These attributes and characteristics have absolutely nothing to do with money. When you mingle with different groups keep that idea in mind. It doesn’t matter so much how others perceive us. It matters how we perceive ourselves. Thank you for your comment about Forbes. I know we live in a world where people want to be famous, but I do not have the desire for that. I want to express my thoughts and have others share their thoughts with me, but I don’t need to provide my name and photo to make that happen 🙂
Your friend was just making a statement of fact perhaps?
She was indeed. It wasn’t what she said, but how I responded to her words that caused me to write this post.
I wonder what I say in such a conversation. Probably something like you did to downplay it. I don’t know if people will ever say that to us though. Our cars are 8 years old and our house is just about the town median price. Living within our means naturally hides our money. The other thing is that much of the money is in retirement accounts or rental properties that most people don’t see.
The strange thing is that we almost literally the poorest people I know. We don’t know a lot of people, but many of my school friends graduated as lawyers or doctors. Our kids’ private school has lots of rich parents – it’s a prerequisite to pay for the school. We do know some moderate people in Boy Scouts, but it’s been hard to get to know them with COVID. Many families left due to that and the national lawsuits.
It’s weird to have money divide you when you are in the top 5-10% of net worth, but not the 1-2% like your circle. Maybe if we flaunted our money more, we could fit In better with them, but I’m not sure that’s who I want to be.
My childhood and early adult experiences certainly influenced my desire to “fit in.” As you said, you can spend more money to fit in with those who flaunt their wealth or spend very little to fit in with those who have less. I want to be the most authentic version of myself, but sometimes that is difficult. And, like you, I wouldn’t want to spend more money just to fit in with those who like to flaunt their wealth.
As you know, my oldest son attended private school for awhile, but the parents there were all very down to earth and few of them were wealthy. Most were scrounging up money to pay for a better education for their kids. Your situation sounds like it is very different from the one we experienced. For that, I am grateful.
It’s funny how I almost get embarrassed by our situation in relation to money. I do not talk about it with my family or close friends and shy away from money related topics in general conversation. They all know I moved to part time work but no one really asks how we are managing without a full time job. I wonder what they think. I wish I felt more comfortable to share our FIRE ideas with them.
It’s hard, but I’ve learned to talk about it much more openly. I just leave myself out of the conversation. Like, “hey have you heard…” or “I just read…” If you try it out, let me know if it works! You can also send them links to other sites or podcasts and then see if they bring finances up in future conversations.