How to Deal with a Pot-Stirrer Who Loves to Stir Up Drama

What do you call someone who stirs the pot? A pot-stirrer, of course. A pot-stirrer is someone who creates drama and tension for their amusement. For these people, stirring up drama is a pastime they can’t resist. They absolutely love to stir the pot and find any excuse to participate in such behavior.

Why are they called pot-stirrers? Because they throw their negativity, anger, and hatred at others like someone would throw ingredients and spices into a pot. These people boil with rage and animosity, like water in an old saucepan.

Why do some people like to stir up drama by stirring the pot? Many pot-stirrers are insecure, bored, or fearful. They use their words to lash at others when they feel less intelligent, beautiful, or well-liked. Some people constantly stir the pot and thrive on the drama they stir up.

I’m Not One to Stir Up Drama

I’m pretty level-headed. It takes quite a bit to stir me up, and I rarely hold a grudge. You have to commit multiple acts against me before I even start to make mental notes of the wrongs you’ve caused.

I don’t cause a lot of drama because I’m risk and drama averse. Ask my friends or family, and they’ll tell you I’m about as calm and stable as they come.

I’ve been dating (now married to) the same guy for fifteen years. I’ve lived in the same house for eleven and worked at the same company for twelve.

If you like to live with a lot of drama in your life, then the odds are that you and I aren’t friends. Some may say that makes me dull, but I’ll rightly accept that title.

People Who Stir Up Drama

Unfortunately, some extended family members love to stir up drama. I find the same people are always causing issues in my life, and I’m beyond the point of being sick and tired of it.

Some people seem to find joy in the act of pot-stirring. They love to create drama that negatively impacts the people around them.Ā Unfortunately, their actions aren’t one-time events but repeated assaults.

I can’t go into specific issues, but I can say that the drama revolves around one person, and most of the drama involves imaginary issues in that person’s mind.Ā 

When confronted with their behavior, this person lies to further their cause. When that doesn’t work, they pull out the victim card.

Stirring Up Drama

Unfortunately, this person’s toxic attitude is poisoning my relationship with other family members.Ā 

I recognize that mentally healthy individuals do not stir the pot, and I would prefer to write this person out of my life.

Unfortunately, I cannot completely ignore this pot-stirrer due to other people in my life. In this case, it isn’t possible to walk away and never look back.

Since she denies her actions, pointing them out won’t stop her from creating drama, and I honestly believe it encourages her to misbehave more often.

How to Deal With a Pot Stirrer

How do you deal with a stirrer who likes to cause trouble? How do you manage a relationship with someone who feels pleasure from inciting arguments? Over the years, I’ve learned a few tricks.

1. Control Your Reactions

First, I’ve learned to control my reactions to the pot stirrers’ outbursts. I do my best to appear calm no matter how bothered or upset I am. I realize that this person thrives on making me upset, so I try not to react in a visible or auditory way.

She wants to stir up drama, so I’m careful not to show my true emotions. Deep in my heart, I believe she feels emotionally high when I get angry, so I bite my tongue and keep my words held tightly inside.

2. Practice Blank Facial Expressions

I meditate and practice blank expressions whenever I know we’ll see each other face to face. Sometimes, when I refrain from reacting, the drama stops, and there is no need to continue poking if I don’t appear upset.

3. Avoid Sharing Personal Information

Over time I’ve learned to avoid telling this person anything personal. I share very little and change the topic of conversation as often as I can.Ā 

4. Learn to Change the Subject

If I feel a flared moment rising, I redirect and diffuse the situation before an opportunity arises for this pot stirrer to stir the pot. Sometimes, I say, “I don’t want to talk about that.” Other times, I temporarily excuse myself to check on my children or go to the bathroom.

5. Focus on Positivity

When conversations turn negative, I try to flip towards positive topics. For example, if a pot-stirrer is going on and on about a coworker who can’t complete their assignments, you can say, “let’s talk about the good parts of working on this project together,” or “at least it’s Friday. What are your plans for the weekend?”

Pot-stirrers don’t like to converse with a Pollyanna who constantly points out the best things in life. If you act cheerful and excited, the pot-stirrer will change her tone or avoid your presence.

Either way is a win for you!

6. Never Be Alone with the Stirrer

I also try not to be alone with pot-stirrers because they gossip or use words against me in later conversations. So I make sure I am always with at least one other person when they are in the room.

7. Stop the Gossip

Pot-stirrers can’t stir the pot unless someone is around for them to agitate. They aim to draw others in by gossiping and telling stories about those they dislike. Don’t stand around listening to their stories, and don’t provide them with a platform to dispel their hate.

Ask others to avoid the gossip too. If your sister-in-law says mean things about you, ask your husband or children to stay away from her. If your coworker likes to engage in pot-stirring, ask your other coworkers to keep out of the break room.

8. End Your Relationship With People Who Stir the Pot

If your pot-stirrer is a coworker or close family member, you may be stuck dealing with them, but if a friend, neighbor, or distant relative is stirring up drama, it’s time to cut them out of your life.

Unfortunately, pot-stirrers don’t change their behavior. So it’s best to remove your connection to them as swiftly as possible.

Suggestions for Dealing with a Pot Stirrer

Despite my best efforts, the pot-stirrer in my life keeps creating drama, so I’d love to hear additional suggestions. I’m willing to take advice from anyone forced to deal with a pot stirrer.

If you’ve ever faced something similar, please leave a comment below. If nothing else, misery loves company 🙂

23 thoughts on “How to Deal with a Pot-Stirrer Who Loves to Stir Up Drama”

  1. I have a lot of problems with my sister, who I’ve talked about a lot on my blog–she’s bipolar. It sounds like your person also has some mental issues. I ended up just completely letting go of our relationship because of the poor decisions she makes, even when she is stable. She calls when she wants, the conversation goes how it goes, and of course I still love her, but I’ve stopped letting her words get to me. It is her problem, not mine, to deal with. I don’t know your situation so it is hard to give advice. Does your person actually do anything to you or do they just say stuff? Do they drag other members of your family into it? If so, it is probably best to talk to those other family members rather than the person that is causing you trouble. Some people can’t be dealt with like normal human beings because they don’t work the same way that stable, even keel people do. There is probably some jealousy around the fact that your life is so together at play, as well. Good luck, I feel your pain!!

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  2. My sister in law is like this – always causing drama and even if I try to avoid her she does her best to reach out and drag me into it. And it’s so frustrating b/c even though I try to avoid her and don’t engage, I hear about the drama she pulls other family members into (such as my in-laws are supporting her while she refuses to look for a job, and eventually I’ll get stuck supporting my in-laws). I don’t have any sort of a solution for you, but I do understand how you must feel. In my case I ignore her (she’s hidden on facebook, I don’t respond to her emails/calls/texts unless I absolutely have to, try not to see her aside from major holidays). If it were a “friend” I’d have no problem cutting her out of my life, but I adore my in-laws and don’t want to cut her off as then I’d be blamed as causing the drama (or so I fear), when in reality it would be because of her actions -but I still fear I’d be the bad guy.

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  3. You just described my sister. She stirs up trouble everywhere she goes and also pulls the victim card. This past holiday season I saw how she operates because I ended up in an argument with her. I cut her out completely, she played the victim (which no one believed) and I felt a tremendous weight being lifted. My mom pleaded with us to reconcile. I tried to extend an olive branch and she just lashed out. I decided right then and there to tell her I would not engage in arguing with her ever again. Its the last thing I need in my life right now and the fact that I would not enable her worked wonders. I decided the best thing for our relationship was not to be in contact except for holidays/special occasions. This past month was our first meeting and it went well. We were civil and I felt no animosity. I only felt sorry for her because I’ve realized she must be unhappy in her own life and that it why she causes drama for others. The limited contact ensures I actually look forward to seeing her after x amount of months of not. I sometimes wish I could change her but know she’s an adult and has to resolve her own issues.

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  4. I totally feel your pain. I have known people like this my whole life. You can’t control it and since it seems to be a relative, you can’t do much except limit your association. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to accept their behavior. Maybe it’s time you have a sit down talk with them and try to share with them how they come off and find out if there is anything that you can do to help them overcome their ‘drama’. Let them know that you have noticed that they are unhappy and it doesn’t seem to be working for them. Hopefully they would get the hint that they are coming off in a negative light and maybe would try to curb their ways??!! That’s what I would do, even if it was through email. I recently had this happen where I didn’t accept some behavior from a family member and since he wouldn’t talk over the phone(he lives in another state), we communicated through email. It didn’t end up like I would’ve liked but he has kept his distance and I don’t have to deal with his behavior anymore. It’s all on his plate because I expressed myself in a calm, civil manner. šŸ™‚
    Good luck!!

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  5. I appreciate all of your comments. I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one out there dealing with someone like this. I’m doing my best to ignore the issue for the time being and to try my best not to let the negative vibes impact my world. I would love to talk with the person about the issue, but the family simply doesn’t deal with problems that way. I think the person should understand how the drama impacts the rest of us and to let them know that we don’t want to be around them because of it.

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  6. Since you’re a blogger, I’m gonna assume you spend a not-insignificant amount of time online. And that means my first advice would be to limit their presence in your online life. It follows you around and pervades everything; at least, that’s how it is for me. You probably can’t unfriend them or block them, but you can limit how much you see from them (on facebook you can hide them completely, or set it so you see less of them). You probably already do try to stay out of the drama. If they insist on bringing the drama to you (I’ve got a family member who does this), let your friends have a free rein. I call in my besties and they have a field day. It’s quite fun. And then I just pretend I wasn’t around to control the situation. šŸ˜‰
    As for offline, may I suggest “leaving your phone in another room” and “oops, bad connection”? I’m not above a little fib for my sanity. šŸ™‚

    (I hope I don’t come off as some kind of kooky stalker. I’ve been reading your blog for a while and am only de-lurking because it seems that my family is determined to drama-fy my life, so I deal with this a lot.)

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  7. If I don’t have any way of avoiding them, I politely confront them. It doesn’t always work out the way I would like it, but the problem is resolved, at least for me.

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  8. I had been dating my wife for about 5yrs and we had talked about getting married. Well my girl gets a job teaching in a school where my sister in law and brother in law worked, Soon after i sense a change in my girlfriend and shes asking for some space and time apart from each other . As it turns out my sister in law invites another teacher and my girlfriend( her sister ) over for dinner. Well they hit it off and my girl is swept away by this guy they start seeing each other and I’m on the outs and in the dark not knowing any of this at the time. After a few weeks I call a good friend of my girls to see if she can tell me whats going on here. She was very sweet and understanding, telling me that my girl was infatuated with this guy her sister set her up with, and that she thought she was making a big mistake. I now had to decide do I let her go or do I fight to get her back. Well I loved her and couldn’t let her go without a fight. As it turned out she came back to me and i believe the reason she did was that this other guy wasn’t ready to get serious with her and was just looking for fun. Its something thats been very hard for me to live with even though we have a pretty good marriage. I have this sour feeling toward my sister in law even though we get along. its been 20yrs later and I often wounderwhat it would have been like had I just let her go and not married her. To this day I think she would have married that guy who swept her off her feet and hit her like a ton of bricks if i would have walked away. Maybe things would have turned out differently. I really struggle with this even after all these years. any comments i’d be interested in hearing

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  9. Well, my issues with my sister has gradually been getting worse.She is the older one, the more put together, well educated and has the “better job” , bigger house, great marriage and kids as well – so why all the drama??? I love my sister but I am fed up with her, she is tiring…lol! I don’t see her all that much for the fact she loves to create friction between family members…particularly my father and I. My father and I have had a rocky relationship for years, I am 41 and it has been since I can remember as a child. My sister and him on the other hand – perfect relationship. After a few events that took place between my father and I, I have decided for my own sanity I can not see my father at social functions – which is 3 times a year…lol! No biggie right. I didn’t mention I also work with my father, so I see him day in and day out and we are civil with each other…all fine or so I think. For years I have been getting grief from the sister about not seeing him out of work and I’m over reacting and basically said I am lying about events that took place. The funny thing is she barely sees him and really doesn’t know him, I have spent every day with him for the last 14 years I think I know who he really is. Anyways, the problem I have is she is a big mouth, everything I tell her she tells him and he will confront me and ask why he is the last to know? Now, I know they don’t see each other that much, so is she calling him?? So, he will ask her how am I and then she will spill the beans whatever it is and majority of the time it’s not that I am doing great, only the bad shit. He is at fault too, he could just ask me, I am 2 offices down from him if he really wants to know about my life he can ask…lol! So I confronted the both once again and asked them NOT to so this, I am available. Now I am the asshole…. he feels some sort of betrayal cause I didn;t tell him, though he has never asked about the situation…lol! As for my sister completely ignoring me now, geezzz so tired of them both. I broke up with my bf and just moved out and didn’t want to deal with an onslot of questions from him ( that was what my sister had to tell him) now dealing with him walking by my office turning his whole body in the opposite direction from me…lol! They are both 2 peas in a pod…I can’t help but laugh. Why is she continuously sabotaging shit with my father and I ?? I think she is jealous of…. not sure what? Or she really doesn’t like me or she is…

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