This has been a hard week for me. Nothing in particular has gone right or wrong. Yet for some reason I can’t stop thinking about my financial choices. I can’t stop wondering why I never buy anything for myself.
Why do I pinch pennies and save wherever and whenever I can? Why can’t I spend money on myself?
I used to be proud of my frugality, but something doesn’t feel right about it anymore. It shouldn’t be so hard to part with money. I shouldn’t feel so guilty for buying things I want or enjoy.
Most people can spend money on the things that make them happy, so why can’t I?
Why Can’t I Spend Money on Myself?
I think my upbringing has a lot to do with it. My mom was a stay-at-home mom for twelve years. During that time, (actually even after she took on a part time job), I rarely saw her spend money on herself. She spent plenty of money on my brother and I, but struggled to buy anything she needed or wanted.
When I was in college I once invited a group of friends back to my parent’s house. A good friend of mine walked into our bathroom and gasped. “What’s this?” she asked pointing to the mirrored wall paper. “That’s hideous.”
I never thought about the decor in that bathroom until that very moment. My parents didn’t renovate the house while we were growing up.
That hideous wallpaper had been chosen by the previous owners in 1977. Twenty-two years later it was still glued to my parent’s bathroom walls.
In fact, our house was full of 1970s decor. There was a dark green stove, mirrored wall paper, wood paneling and rust-colored shag carpeting.
My mom said she didn’t update the house because she wasn’t earning a paycheck and my dad didn’t make a ton of money, but it was more than that. She didn’t like to spend money on things for herself. Instead, she chose to spend the money on her husband and children.
I Can’t Spend Money on Myself
As I grow and age I realize that I am falling into the same patterns as my mother. I never spend money on myself. I don’t shop often and I rarely buy things that I want. These days I only buy new items for my husband or children.
My husband doesn’t struggle to spend money the way I do. This summer he spent over $1000 on landscaping services. A crew of men weeded, edged, mowed and planted new azaleas for us. When they were finished my husband happily handed them a check.
Later that same month he paid $1500 to place decking under our house. He also spent $1400 on an ice machine and $2000 on a new set of camera lenses.
When he wants to buy something he does. He doesn’t spend thirty minutes searching for coupon codes or comparing prices. He simply pulls out his wallet and types numbers into the online submission forms. Two days later the boxes arrive from Amazon.
I don’t expect to start spending money at the drop of a hat, but I would like to feel more at ease buying items I want or need.
I waste so much time worrying about saving money. Clipping coupons and scouting out deals is ridiculously time consuming.
I deny myself the joy of spending money on myself.
I Never Spend Money on Myself
As I reflect on my actions I am amazed by how closely they mimic my mom’s behavior. My mom always put everyone else’s desires and needs above her own.
I’ve followed right in her footsteps and I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. Becoming a stay-at-home mom has only furthered this unhealthy behavior. Now that I’m not earning a paycheck I find it even more difficult to spend money on myself.
While my friends and family members focus on the joy of spending, I focus on the comfort of saving money. It helps me overcome stress and financial anxiety. I suppose that peace of mind is worth more to me than whatever it is I’d like to buy.
But I’d still like to pull out my credit card without second guessing every decision. I’m tired of feeling guilty for wanting something I don’t need.
I Don’t Like Spending Money on Myself
To be honest I’m not certain how to get over this hurdle. I’ve been this way for so long that I can’t imagine doing things any differently.
Why don’t I like spending money on myself? How can I learn to enjoy spending money without feeling bad or guilty about it?
I’d love to hear from my readers. Do any of you struggle to spend money on yourself? Do you find yourself thinking “I never buy anything for myself?” Do you have advice for me?
This is the first time I’ve ever commented on a blog post (of any blogger!) after several years of readership. However, this post really resonated with me. My only debt is my mortgage, and I have a fairly healthy retirement account for someone my age (30). BUT, I just have an amazing ability to talk myself out of what I deem “unnecessary” purchases.
Here’s how I’m trying to change. I set a saving goal for myself every month. At the end of the month, if I’m left with extra money after deducting my expenses and savings, I may use that money to treat myself. It’s still hard sometimes because I want to put that extra money into savings, but this is how I buy superfluous items without feeling like I’m throwing off my retirement.
I’m also mindful that life is short. Although I’m healthy, I could very well die in a car accident before I get to retire. Since we can’t take our money with us, I’d really like to enjoy some of its benefits while I’m able to.
Thanks Teeners for leaving a comment. I’m so happy you decided to leave your first comment on my blog! I also have an amazing ability to talk myself out of making purchases. I like the idea of setting aside a certain amount of ‘play’ money each month that I can spend. Otherwise, like you, I think I’ll talk myself out of spending it.
BTW – I had a major medical issue back in 2005, so I know that life can end at any time. For some reason this didn’t change my philosophy when it comes to money. It changed many other aspects of my thinking, but not financial ones related to saving. I don’t know why.
I think our parents have a lot of influence on our attitude towards money and our saving/spending habits. My parents are very frugal and spend very little money on “fun” stuff (i.e., vacation, new clothes, restaurants) for themselves. Like my parents, I find myself being quite frugal and spend a lot of time online finding deals/using coupons where my husband thinks it’s too much of a hassle. He has an easier time pulling the trigger on big purchases where I usually need time to mull things over and do research. Once my husband signed up for a cable TV deal and got a free $200 gift card and promptly used it to buy himself an expensive Tumi suitcase. I made him feel guilty about not using the gift card towards something for the “family”. I just thought it was a bit selfish and know that if I were in his shoes, I would have definitely used it towards something that both of us could use. But at least he used it on something useful. Unlike my parents, I do spend money on restaurants and vacation/travel because I really enjoy those things. I guess my advice to you would be that it’s okay to be frugal and save money but you should pamper yourself from time to time and not feel guilty about it. Life is too short–enjoy it!
Thanks for the comment Beatrice. My parents were the same way growing up. They do spend money eating out now, but when I was a child they rarely did that.
I would’ve felt the same way about my husband as you did about yours. Thanks for sharing that story. I’m not sure why it’s so much easier for my husband to spend money on things he wants or for that matter why I get so upset when he does it. I wish it didn’t bother me so much.
I agree that life is short. I think I do need to start setting aside a little fun money to spend on myself. Deprivation is never a good idea!
Even when money is there, I struggle to want to spend it. I plan out ways of saving sooner than ways of spending. Mostly I think this is a good thing. Not that I never spend on myself, but I find it much easier to buy for others, for the home, or groceries. When I bought my bike, I felt compelled to write a blog post about it. When I bought a laptop last year, it was for work related reasons. Even then I shopped around, researched and in the case of the laptop bought a store model that had been discounted in a Christmas sale. I’m always wanting earn, clip coupons, or shop used and garage sales even when the savings are pretty small… not sure where that comes from… my mom has similar tendencies so that’s a certainly a factor.
Thanks for sharing Ruby Leigh. Do you also second guess your final purchases and wonder if you could’ve found a better deal by waiting, buying elsewhere, etc? Sometimes I find that thinking so much about spending makes it extra difficult to spend, because at the end of the day I wonder if I could’ve saved even more!
I hardly ever spend money on myself. I tend to feel guilty, but I LOVE spending money on others. I don’t know why.
I’m the same way. I can easily spend money on my husband or son, but rarely on myself. I’m glad I’m not the only one!
I saw your blog on pfblogs feed on Yahoo and thought I’d take a look.. great post.
I can relate in a manner. My parents had no problem spending money. In fact, when I was growing up, I was completely unaware of how money worked. I started working at 13 on a paper route, and rather than saving money for later (which would have been a good parental lesson) I spent a crap-ton of my money on comics.. So, the relate ‘in a manner’ is kinda reverse. How to limit my self on spending money on myself, rather than NOT limiting it.
During our recent get out of debt effort, my wife & I kept a ‘fun money’ fund for ourselves. More of an allowance. While taking our $68k in credit card debt to $0, we put a little aside for ourselves. Start there. Create a ‘fun account’ and budget/plan some money into it.
Then, try to look at yourself objectively, like observing a stranger. Ask yourself what this stranger needs… new clothes, shoes, Kindles, whatever. (If that’s too difficult, ask a friend.. who you won’t get mad at for telling it straight). Have them do that exercise for you. That can create your list of things to treat yourself with. Work within the ‘fun money’ account you set up and see how that plays out.
Good luck.. and enjoy it!
Thanks for the comment Joe. I follow similar advice when cleaning out my closets. I bring a friend or family member over and ask them what I should keep, buy more of or get rid of. I never thought about it in this example, but it sounds like an interesting and fun idea.
Interesting – I consider myself pretty frugal, and was a SAHM for 5 yrs (now part time), but I never really experienced this. I think part of the difference is that I gave myself “permission” to spend on an small allowance system, and that little bit I had to spend I gladly and joyfully did. However, this was the only $ I spent on myself – even for clothes and such that others might easily take out of monthly income. After about a year, the allowance morphed into, “whatever I can make on the side, I can spend on myself”, which included babysitting, online surveys/product tests, consignment sales, and most recently 25% of my husband’s yearly bonus after tax (he receives a similar 25% share). Even now this is all I take for myself, my real paycheck goes straight to the kids college fund and our “car fund”.
BTW, the husband (who earns almost 90% of our income) also does the weekly allowance thing for his personal spending, although his allotment is WAY bigger than mine ever was! We find it a great way to not ever disagree about our personal spending habits, while the majority of our $ is kept for the needs of the family and savings.
While it sounds like you guys are doing great, you may eventually need to gently reign in your husband’s style of spending if you continue down the SAHM path for a while. I have to admit, I added up the things he spent on this summer and my reaction was “that’s a quite decent preowned small SUV right there!”
Jen –
You hit the nail on the head with that SUV comment. We’ve talked about buying a new-to-us car many times, but there is always some reason or another to delay the purchase. Looking back on all that my husband purchased this spring and summer I realize just how much money we could have placed in our ‘car fund’.
I’m taking your advice and using profits from any little side gigs (like this blog), surveys, etc. as my ‘fun money’. It’s a great suggestion!
I found that being in a one-earner household totally changes the dynamics. The stay-at-home person typically spends on the house and family, while the earner usually feels they deserve some splurges. The Stay-at-Home makes a career of doing what is best for the household, while the other doesn’t spend as much time in the home and may be influenced by co-workers or by what other “professionals” have.
Interesting thought. I think the working parent maintains more individuality by working outside of the home and thus sees more reason to spend money on his or herself. I tend to think more from a family perspective, because I am most often around my family.
I’m curious if your husband discussed these purchases with you before he pulled the trigger. Any time my husband and I spend more than a certain amount, we have to discuss it. There isn’t much wiggle room in our budget so if we need to make a purchase we have to figure out how we’re going to pay for it.
For a long time, most of my income was going to support my husband, and I would get bitter when he would spend money and yet I couldn’t even afford to go out to dinner with my friends. Nowadays, I use my side hustle income to pay for things I want–like our trip to Costa Rica (happening soon!) , my trip to San Francisco with my friends, and even clothes! I’m not taking any money away from the household budget, because that’s what my whole paycechk goes toward. But side hustle? that’s all mine.
I’m totally into the side hustle idea. It makes perfect sense to use what little money I make from blogging, survey taking, etc. to pay for things I want. My husband did talk to me about these things, but in all due honesty once he’s made up his mind about spending it’s more informing then discussing. Hmmm. Maybe that’s why I’m so annoyed by it!
I was a stay at home mom by chocie for 4 yrs before i started working. I fell into the same pattern as you and it was very depressing to not spend money on myself (as if i was not worth it).. it took me a long time to realize this pattern and make a conscious decision to get out of it.
It is very important to allocate a certain fun money / allowance for yourself to spend only one fun things.. if it doesnt get used in that month, add it to next month’s fun allowance.
I remember reading that you don’t get time of your own. maybe you might want to sue some of your fun money for a babysitter for an hour or 2 to watch your child while you get a massage or go shopping or work on a hobby.
I have been brought up around a lot of money. I have seen it spent and seen arguments occur due to money. I have spent money easily, had major anxiety over it and I am currently at a stage where I am finding that I am too attached too saving due to the fear of not having money.
Due to personal circumstances I have found myself in a situation where I did not have my own money (unemployment, I had £0.00 to my name) without someone providing me with a little bit of income.
At first I spent their money easily as it felt like “pocket money” but then I tried to save it as it felt wrong to spend it on myself. First of all, the amount was very very difficult to save, evidently it was going to be spent, even if it was just on food therefore this lead to me believing that I did not have the ability to save which caused server anxiety.
Fast-forward and I found employment, however, I have found that I would buy myself stuff but always the “cheaper option” and even though that sounds sensible on the surface I suppose that it made me feel like I looked awful becasue the items looked shabby and cheap which basically took a toll on my self-esteem and confidence.
Now I have a job where I have been able to save a bit *my target us £100 a month”) however, I have sacrificed my own appearance for this (in other words I am damaging my self esteem just to save pieces of paper!!) and now I am tempted to delve into it or spend all of it on my appearance to feel better but I know if I do that I will freak out with the fear that my job could be taken away from me ( = no money) or I will be disappointed in my lack of willpower.
I am trying not to let fear rule my life but I don’t want to live in a manner which causes me to rely on others (lets say if I lost my job and had to rely on others to support me) nor do I want to die due to anxiety of pieces of paper.
I hope this wasn’t too long, but I needed to speak out as I am unsure where to get advice or feedback on this.
Ultimately, I want to enjoy what I earn. I don’t pay bills nor have children so surely I should be able to allow myself to spend it on myself and my relationship?!?
I never comment on any blogs. However, I didn’t just stumble upon this blog, I actually typed “I never buy anything for myself” on google and came across this one.
I have been having the same problem. I don’t even know if its a registered psychological problem or not. I had always been proud of my saving skills and frugality. I used to go for shopping with my mother and sister and end up coming home without purchasing a single thing for myself unlike the other two, despite my mother pleading me to buy this and that. Instead I used to haughtily tell them “I can control myself”.
I keep wishlisting things and scrolling through the online stores. My amazon accountt has 13 separate wishlists with hundreds of items each, but I never buy them.
It wouldn’t have been a problem, but lately spending even the slightest bit of money money on even things I really need make me feel uneasy.
I have even started arguing with my parents about the money they spend on useless stuff or make double payments. And that is not even my money.
This constant frame of mind….a feeling that I might not have enough….that I will buy all this when I have a lot of money, but never reaching there….wishing for so much but never fulfilling those is just too stressful.
I will partly blame my parents, they used to taunt me about what a bad investment I have been for them, they paid money for the extra coaching classes so that I could pursue medical, but that never happened, I couldn’t be the doctor they wanted me to be. Somehow, I have started feeling that I’m not worthy of money. Self worth is something which I am not acclimatised to.
I really don’t know how this will end. But it sure is a comfort to know others are going through such issues as well.
Hi Ranjini, Welcome to my blog. I’m glad you stumbled upon it today. My best advice is not to be too hard on yourself. I think a lot of our money patterns stem from our childhood. Try your best to realize that you are an incredible human being worthy of great things even if you don’t always feel that way. It’s good to save money. This is an old article and I spent many years saving since this time, but I’ve learned to spend a little too. Try to buy something small for yourself: a cup of coffee, a new book, a new inexpensive piece of jewelry. It doesn’t have to be something big, but find a way to savor your purchase. Appreciate the value of having something new in your hand. The longer I save the more I recognize the value of money not for buying things, but for feeling safe and secure. Try to find value in enjoying nature, going for walks and doing things that don’t even cost money. While it’s good to break the spell of holding on to all of your money it’s also good to see that some of the best things in life are free. Sometimes the things we covet aren’t coveted once we buy them. Try to see the good in the world outside of what your money can buy. I promise you it’s more fulfilling than whatever you think you need.