Thirty Days

It’s been thirty days since I last published a post on this blog. Last month, I wrote about self-care guilt and my desire to care for myself without feeling bad about it.

Over the past month, I’ve spent hours in doctor’s appointments with my dad, and when I come home, I’m exhausted.

Writing is usually my go-to outlet, but I haven’t had the energy to draft a post from start to finish. After a few paragraphs, I lose my train of thought or no longer feel compelled by the topic. Right now, I have fifteen partially written drafts waiting for completion. 

Hitting the Gym

I’ve never been a morning person, but lately, I’ve been waking up early to hit the gym. I’d like to say I want to get in better shape, but honestly, I feel a deep compulsion to exercise. 

As I watch doctors examine my dad, put needles into his veins, and put tubes in his body, I feel compelled to move mine. 

I listen to podcasts about death and dying while working out. There is a surprisingly long list of them.

How do we cope with death? How do we allow ourselves to grieve? What can we do to prepare ourselves for the inevitable?

Then I drive over to my parent’s house or a doctor’s office.

Managing My Parent’s Finances

When I’m anxious, stressed, or nervous, I aim to be productive. If my husband and I fight, I clean the house. If I feel overwhelmed, I declutter.

In this case, I’ve started managing my parent’s finances because I feel the need to bring order to chaos. While I can’t control what happens to my dad’s health, I can help my parents pay their bills and ensure that nothing falls out of place with their finances.

Documenting The Details

I offered to speak at a future Women’s Personal Finance meeting about helping aging parents. I hate that I have to know this stuff, but I feel good about sharing what I’ve learned. Since I can’t find a solid how-to guide, I plan to create one that others can use.

If anyone reading has specific questions, please leave a comment below. I will read it, though I might not respond for a while. My backlog of comments in need of responses is growing. When I stopped writing, I stopped responding too. I’m sorry to anyone who might be waiting for a reply. I will get to them soon!

I’m hoping that this post will kickstart my writing and provide me with the motivation to complete my ever-growing list of drafts. A close blogging friend encouraged me to use an app to record my thoughts rather than write them down, and it’s a good suggestion because it requires less energy.

Spring Time

Thankfully spring is arriving soon, and I think it will help my mood. I can see the buds on the trees right outside my window, and I am thankful that warmer weather is on the horizon.

Winter sports ended a few weeks ago, and we purposefully chose not to sign the boys up for any new ones this season. I recognize the need to see open space on my calendar like I never have before.

Despite all of the chaos, I am still squeezing in time for self-care.

Studying My Emotional State

Eight weeks ago, I started a course to dive into my emotional state. The goal is to recognize my emotions and decide where I want to go with them.

What purpose do they serve, and how do I want to process them?

Right now, I feel a bit lost and untethered. Sometimes I feel sad and outraged.

Some days I take extra deep breaths. Other times I yell at the unfairness of things.

Usually, I write about my emotions, but lately, I feel stuck. I feel like I’m staring at a clogged drain that needs clearing.

If only I could figure out how to clear it.