Thirty Days

It’s been thirty days since I last published a post on this blog. Last month, I wrote about self-care guilt and my desire to care for myself without feeling bad about it.

Over the past month, I’ve spent hours in doctor’s appointments with my dad, and when I come home, I’m exhausted.

Writing is usually my go-to outlet, but I haven’t had the energy to draft a post from start to finish. After a few paragraphs, I lose my train of thought or no longer feel compelled by the topic. Right now, I have fifteen partially written drafts waiting for completion. 

Hitting the Gym

I’ve never been a morning person, but lately, I’ve been waking up early to hit the gym. I’d like to say I want to get in better shape, but honestly, I feel a deep compulsion to exercise. 

As I watch doctors examine my dad, put needles into his veins, and put tubes in his body, I feel compelled to move mine. 

I listen to podcasts about death and dying while working out. There is a surprisingly long list of them.

How do we cope with death? How do we allow ourselves to grieve? What can we do to prepare ourselves for the inevitable?

Then I drive over to my parent’s house or a doctor’s office.

Managing My Parent’s Finances

When I’m anxious, stressed, or nervous, I aim to be productive. If my husband and I fight, I clean the house. If I feel overwhelmed, I declutter.

In this case, I’ve started managing my parent’s finances because I feel the need to bring order to chaos. While I can’t control what happens to my dad’s health, I can help my parents pay their bills and ensure that nothing falls out of place with their finances.

Documenting The Details

I offered to speak at a future Women’s Personal Finance meeting about helping aging parents. I hate that I have to know this stuff, but I feel good about sharing what I’ve learned. Since I can’t find a solid how-to guide, I plan to create one that others can use.

If anyone reading has specific questions, please leave a comment below. I will read it, though I might not respond for a while. My backlog of comments in need of responses is growing. When I stopped writing, I stopped responding too. I’m sorry to anyone who might be waiting for a reply. I will get to them soon!

I’m hoping that this post will kickstart my writing and provide me with the motivation to complete my ever-growing list of drafts. A close blogging friend encouraged me to use an app to record my thoughts rather than write them down, and it’s a good suggestion because it requires less energy.

Spring Time

Thankfully spring is arriving soon, and I think it will help my mood. I can see the buds on the trees right outside my window, and I am thankful that warmer weather is on the horizon.

Winter sports ended a few weeks ago, and we purposefully chose not to sign the boys up for any new ones this season. I recognize the need to see open space on my calendar like I never have before.

Despite all of the chaos, I am still squeezing in time for self-care.

Studying My Emotional State

Eight weeks ago, I started a course to dive into my emotional state. The goal is to recognize my emotions and decide where I want to go with them.

What purpose do they serve, and how do I want to process them?

Right now, I feel a bit lost and untethered. Sometimes I feel sad and outraged.

Some days I take extra deep breaths. Other times I yell at the unfairness of things.

Usually, I write about my emotions, but lately, I feel stuck. I feel like I’m staring at a clogged drain that needs clearing.

If only I could figure out how to clear it.

3 thoughts on “Thirty Days”

  1. Take this time for yourself. Easier said than done. Lots of reflection time. I have personally started my own journey although quite different as my folks are both 89 and my kids both in college. I have enjoyed your writing for a few years. Recently I am working on completing items in, “in case you get hit by a bus” by Schneiderman and seifer. I share another quote with you, attributed some say to Shawnee Chief Tecumseh.

    So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide. Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none. When you arise each morning give thanks for the food and joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only within yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision. When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

    Sending you warmth and kind thoughts. Life is a process, not an event.

  2. Thank you for your post. I look forward to reading about managing parents finances. I’m sorry you’re going through grief. We’re sending hugs and love from afar. Take care, P


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