Every few weeks or so my husband and I meet my parents for dinner at a restaurant half-way between their house and ours. We typically eat at low-to-mid range restaurants, like Red Robin or Macaroni Grill and the typical meal ranges in the $10 – $15 range. Most of the time we split the bill in half. While my parents don’t always allow us to pay, we do offer money every time we go out.
Who Pays for Dinner with Your Girlfriend’s Parents?
My husband will always offer to pay when we go out to dinner with my parents. He’s been doing this since we first started dating and the pattern hasn’t stopped just because we’ve been married for a few years.
He believes it’s always important to share or even pay the entire bill. If my parents want to pay they decline his offer, but he will always present his credit card as a gesture of good will.
Who Pays for Dinner with My Parents?
While we pay our fair share when my husband and I are out together, it’s a totally different story when I go out with my parents alone. If my parents take me out to lunch or dinner without my husband I almost never pay. This is in part because I don’t always offer and also because when I do offer I’m usually refused.
My dad is retired and my mom works a part-time, relatively low paying job, so I’d definitely like to contribute more when we go out together. After all my husband and I are actively employed and combined we make more than a decent living.
So every time I go out with my parents I’m torn. On one hand I know that they love to take care of me and provide for me. On the other hand I know that I can afford the meal much better than they can.
So what do you think? Do you think I should take control of the bill and pay more often or continue to allow my parents to pay for me? It’s not a lot of money and we don’t go out together often, but I don’t want to impose on my parents and at the same time I don’t want to pay if that makes them feel uncomfortable.
Every time I offer they say, “we’re so happy to be with you. we love you. we want to pay for you.” I guess the question is whether or not I should let them.
Who Pays for Dinner with Family?
I asked a group of friends for their suggestions and created a list of their answers below:
- The youngest party always pays for the eldest. In this case the kids always pay for their parents.
- The oldest party always pays for the youngest. In this case the parents always pay for the kids.
- Both parties always split the bill. This can involve splitting it equally or paying for what you ordered. Among family it usually makes sense to split the bill evenly, but if you tend to have a relative who orders extravagant meals then you may choose to pay only for what you ordered.
- Each family takes turns. One time the kids pay for the bill and the next time the parents cover the tab. This can get tricky because you have to keep track of who paid. You also have to account for the difference between restaurants. After all, one restaurant might cost a whole lot more than another. It helps if you let the paying party choose where they want to eat, because they can choose how much they want to spend.
Who Pays for Dinner When Parents Meet?
Lastly, when our parents first met my husband and I offered to pay for the entire meal ourselves. Since we were hosting the get-together it seemed reasonable for us to pay. These days we tend to split the bill evenly when both families dine together. We don’t itemize each item. We simply spilt the bill into thirds and each pay an equal share.
Anonymous says
My mother raised 3 children by herself. She gave us love and laughter but money was really tight. One of my greatest joys is being able to take my adult daughter to lunch and treat her – even though she can pay herself. It's something my mother would have loved to be able to do. Accept the gift graciously; that will be your gift to your mother.
Sense says
Agree with anonymous. I'm sure they appreciate that you are on your own now, taking care of yourself. Maybe paying for a meal is one way that they get to feel like they are still taking care of you a little bit, esp. since they don't make a lot of money and can't do grand gestures. 🙂
As long as your parents aren't the sort to throw the meal back in your face, I would accept what they are telling you at face value, and let them pay!
me in millions says
My parents always pay, but they are in a better financial situation than I am. And I'm not married. If they are happy to pay and you know they're being honest, let them. Just reciprocate nice gestures somehow else.
Pam says
You should let them pay, because it appears to genuinely make them happy. If you are worried about what it means to their finances, keep track of the cost and either start a "Mom and Dad Rainy Day" savings account, or find some way to give it back for birthdays or Christmas. My husband is an only child and his parents give us money every time we visit. There is polite way to refuse, so we take the money and set it aside in case they need it back one day.
Pam says
NO polite way, I meant!
Nicole says
We play the game of who can grab the check first! My parents don't ever want us to pay, but we want to treat them. When my mom and I go out, we just take turns paying.
Abigail says
I like Nicole's idea! But if that's not an option, I'd still at least offer most of the time. Your parents do seem to genuinely enjoy taking you out, but I have an overactive guilt complex.
I believe they genuinely mean it, but you could also just grab the bill and if they protest say, I know you're really happy being with me. And I'm really happy to get to treat you guys sometimes!
I'm sure your parents like to pay and wouldn't do it if it were a hardship. So don't worry too much. Still, I'm sure they love that you do offer to pay sometimes.
Jonesie says
When we go out with MIL and step-FIL, they always pay. It offends my MIL if we try to pay, but we still always offer. Her belief is that parents take care of kids no matter what. Our FIL is another story. He'll invite us to dinner, never pays and never offers to pay.
Alison@This Wasn't In The Plan says
When we go out with my parents, they always pay. I don't even think we offer anymore, but we usually do offer to leave a tip. Sometimes they take us up on it, sometimes not.
When we go out with my in-laws, it's hit or miss. Unless one of them says "hey, let's go out to eat, my treat", it's usually understood that we'll split it.
I agree with the consensus that it's best to just let them, because it seems as if it's something they genuinely want to do. That's the realization I've come to as well, I used to have a really hard time letting my parents pay for the things they do and now I just have a sort of hard time.
One Frugal Girl says
Thanks for all of your thoughts on this topic. I'll continue to offer payment, but I'll definitely succumb more quickly and ultimately let them cover the cost whenever we go out to eat. They really do seem to enjoy paying for their little girl.
Anonymous says
Try paying during the meal. I or my husband usually get up during a family meal (since we make a lot more than anyone else) "to go to the washroom" and give the server a credit card or cash and ask that no bill be brought to the table. This always ends in pleasant surprise when someone asks for the bill and the server says its been taken care of. It may not work for you all the time but it is a nice gesture. THis also works for business meetings and birthday parties – the server will just discreetly hand you your receipt on the way out – they do this for a living!
Mary Weiland says
My parents and I fight over the bill, too. I feel like I should pay b/c they have paid for things my entire life and I want to give back. But, parents will always be parents. As some of the other folks have commented, by them paying the bill, they have a sense that they are still taking care of me. I always offer and show appreciation. I think if there is no offer, then they may feel taken for granted or even taken advantage of. When I drag them out to help me with something, I always insist on paying. I think it makes them feel bad, but they appreciate it, too. …it just means they are quicker to the bill next time we go out 🙂
Uluvsaz says
I had wonderful generous parents who always paid when we went out to eat. My mother in law, who gets a decent monthly check after her husband oassed away, doesn’t even so much as offer when we go out. E-VER. Its causing me to really duslike her for being such a cheapskate. I always pay for my grown kids. I ‘m appalled by a woman who isnt poor, always waiting on her son to pay her way. Shes nice in every other way but that and now shes goong to live with ys for a year. God help me!!
jayme says
Have Children ever wonder growing up, parents paid for everything, so now as an adult and in employment, don’t you think it’s nice to treat your parents out? Yet they look forward to their inheritance. Does meaning being a parent, you never stop paying for your children? Doesn’t sound very right to me? Surely you would want your parents to live comfortably in their child free years?
John says
As an example , the 40 year old adult child (makes 150k a year)should pay for the parent’s father’s day $20 lunch instead of requiring the parent to pay his own.
One Frugal Girl says
I agree John. I think a lot of it depends on both the children’s and parent’s finances.
Dons Savage says
Adult children in paid employment should always contribute something to the meal. Expecting to be paid for is very poor manners.
By your early twenties you should be refusng mom and dads handouts.
One Frugal Girl says
Sometimes my parents really want to pay. So over the years I continue to offer and sometimes override their refusal to let me pay by sneaking over the waitress and paying before she can present the bill.
jayme says
You are got it spot on.
Irwin says
I’m 74 years old with 3 adult children, and a 2nd wife. Following my divorce, I had shared custody of all three from their early teen years to college. They all have solid relationships(2 married) and careers. My first father in law paid for every family meal. Until recently, I paid for every family meal of my children and spouses. The last 2 years, all three children have alternately taking care of the bill, alternating with myself and them randomly. It is nice that they feel comfortable enough as they all work and we seldom argue over it.
One Frugal Girl says
I love this. Thanks for commenting Irwin. I think it’s great that everyone can handle the bill at different times and that you rotate without a specific rotation schedule. I think this is a lovely way to handle it.
DC gal says
I’m 40. My parents paid when I was in my early 20s. Then I paid because I was in a much better place financially. Then the situation reversed. And then it reversed again. Bottom line: I think it should never be 50-50. If you can, just pay the bill, and do it with love. Accept this kind gesture graciously, and hope that one day, you will be able to cover all the meals going forward. It might not work for everyone (I come from a loving, tight-knot family) and we “fight” for the privilege to pay for others. But this is the best gift my parents could have given me. We are there to support each other and no one is keeping the score.
One Frugal Girl says
You raise a great point. Just because you can easily pay at one point in time doesn’t mean you can perpetually do so. As my parents have gotten older they are much more willing to let us pay the bill. As time passes things change and it helps if we are all be flexible, loving and supportive. Thanks for the comment.