Yesterday I opened my inbox and found an email with the subject line “Selfish Husband” waiting for me. “My husband is selfish, selfish, selfish,” the email began.
All My Husband Cares About is Money
“I just read your post about family financial meetings,” it continued. “Your family meeting sounds like a great solution for considerate couples, but it won’t work for me. My husband is selfish with his money! All my husband cares about is money! He only cares about himself and his own financial needs. My husband spends money on himself, but not on me.”
Imagine a husband who buys whatever he wants whenever he wants. He doesn’t consult his wife and puts his wants above the rest of the family. No matter how often you argue with your husband, he doesn’t change his ways. Eventually, you decide all your husband cares about is money. He puts his money above all other things.
After ten years of fighting about money, this woman was at her wit’s end. She was mad, agitated, and downright pissed off at her selfish husband.
A Selfish Husband Says His Money Is His
Does your husband say his money is his, or it’s his money, so you don’t have a say in how he spends it? Some husbands don’t share their money. They make their wives ask for it. Beg for it, really.
These men care more about money than their wives or families. They often spend money on expensive purchases without telling their partners. Sometimes they spend too much on hobbies and self-interests and keep buying things they can’t afford.
In full disclosure, I’ve never thought of my husband as selfish. We began hosting family financial meetings in 2006, and I’ve never felt enraged by his financial choices or purchases. As far as I know, he’s never felt ill will towards my financial decisions either.
A Financially Selfish Husband
For a moment or two, I wasn’t sure how to respond. Did I have any advice to share? I wasn’t too sure. Then I remembered a similar conversation I once had with a former male coworker. I’ll call him D.
D loved to spend money on new technology, and he happily plunked down money for video games, new iPhones, and upgrades to old equipment.
“My wife tells me I’m selfish,” he told me, “but I don’t think I’m selfish at all.”
“These things don’t break our budget, but she says I’m a selfish husband for buying them. It causes a fight every time it comes up, and I’m tired of her nagging me to stop buying things I enjoy.”
After a while, my coworker and his wife became locked in a repeated cycle of arguments. D wanted to spend money on his hobbies. His wife said he was selfish for spending money on technology. They got into fights whenever he brought a new device home.
A Selfish Husband Buys Himself Expensive Things
One day I asked D if his partner ever got upset about his other purchases.
“No,” he told me. “She only gets mad when I buy phones, computers, and other gadgets. She says they are too expensive, and I buy too many expensive things.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “What if you bought something else?”
“Like what,” he asked.
Honestly, I wasn’t sure. I noticed that D only seemed to fight with his wife about technology. Would she feel angry if he paid for an expensive trip or spent money on pricey home renovations? Was D’s wife angry about what he bought, or was she mad because he didn’t consult her first?
D wasn’t sure, so he went home to ask.
A Selfish Husband Spends Money on Himself
“Your gadgets are selfish because you are the only one who uses them,” D’s wife told him. “If you spent money on vacations and home renovations, it would benefit the whole family. ”
D’s wife paid the bills. She wrote checks and swiped her credit card for the children’s clothing, sports activities, and utilities. Month after month, she watched the money leak from their checking account.
After paying the bills, D’s wife couldn’t bear to spend any remaining money on herself. She was angry that D didn’t feel guilty about spending money as she did. She felt like her husband could spend all their money and not feel bad about it.
D’s wife condemned his selfish behaviors and begged him to spend money on the whole family. She made her needs secondary, and she wanted D to do the same.
D argued that they had plenty of money for both of them to spend the way they saw fit. He urged his wife to spend money without feeling guilty about it.
“I’m not like her friend’s husband,” D said after they talked. “I know she thinks I’m like him. She sees me as a husband who makes all the money and is unwilling to share it, but I’m not,” D said with a sigh.
Does your husband spend money on himself while ignoring your needs? Does it seem like your husband couldn’t care less about anyone other than himself?
A Selfish Husband Spends Too Much on Hobbies
Why were my coworker and his wife fighting? His wife thought he was spending too much money on his hobbies. Did he need to buy expensive new gadgets so often? She didn’t think so.
Clearly, she was angry that he was spending too much on hobbies, but was there a deeper issue going on?
As a long-time coworker and quasi-money mentor, I pushed D to dig deeper into his financial fights. Why did he keep arguing about money with his wife?
One day I asked D to describe his relationship with money. He told me he came from an affluent family where money was never an issue or a concern. His wife grew up in a family that constantly struggled to pay the bills.
Could this be part of the problem? D and his wife approached money from two different sides of the same coin. She wanted to save their money, while D wanted to splurge from time to time.
“My gadgets aren’t breaking the family budget,” D told me. His wife disagreed. She called him a selfish husband every time the topic came up. Time after time she said he spent too much.
Was he a selfish and inconsiderate husband?
This situation was so familiar to me. My husband also comes from an affluent family, but I do not. I need a lot of money to feel safe and secure. I suffer from a scarcity mindset.
D’s partner was afraid they would run out of money. I recognize that fear. I can spend money on my children, husband, and house, but I rarely spend money on myself. It’s a problem that has plagued me for most of my life.
What happens when one partner wants to spend money, and the other wants to tuck it away for safekeeping? The saver feels troubled watching money walk out the window. The spender feels frustrated and trapped.
A Selfish Husband Spends Money Without Consulting You
I talked to D in-depth about my financial frustrations. I told him how it’s hard to watch my husband spend money without fear or stress and how much I worried he would spend money without telling me. In a healthy relationship, partners shouldn’t spend money without consulting one another.
D wanted to talk openly and honestly to his wife. He gathered their financial information and hosted a family financial meeting of his own. He documented the family’s net worth, bank account balances, and monthly bills.
Then he created a spreadsheet listing his technical gear and expenses. He wanted to prove that his purchases didn’t impact their budget.
But an interesting thing happened along the way. D’s expenses turned out to be more than he imagined. Suddenly D understood why his wife was calling him a selfish husband. He was spending too much money on his hobbies.
D’s spending was impacting the family budget. It wasn’t a significant impact, but it was larger than he imagined.
A Selfish Husband Keeps Spending Money
D and his wife sat down to discuss his findings and develop a way to move forward.
He talked to his wife about the emotional impacts of spending and saving. While he understood his wife’s fear of spending, he did not feel the same way. In his opinion, this didn’t make him a selfish husband. He simply wanted to enjoy the money he earned.
As a reasonable man, D realized that he could spend money with a plan. So he approached his wife and explained that he needed more fun money in his life. My husband has often said the same thing to me.
D didn’t want to stop spending on things he loved just because he was a married father. He created line items in the budget for fun money—a fund for himself, his wife, and one for things they would both enjoy.
A Selfish Husband Doesn’t Share His Money With You
Will your husband share his money with you? A selfish husband doesn’t share his money with his wife.
Sometimes husbands don’t share financial information because they don’t know the details. Is that the case, or is your husband purposefully hiding financial information from you.
The best way to start a conversation about money is to gather the facts. Look at your income and expenses and determine how much money your spouse is spending on items that don’t benefit the two of you.
Search through the credit card expenses and ATM withdrawals to figure out where your money is going.
Then ask yourself. Is your husband selfish? Is he greedy with money? Does he spend all of your money on himself? The numbers on those statements don’t lie. Is your husband unwilling to share his money with you?
A Selfish Husband Spends Too Much Money
Does your husband spend too much money? If your husband is spending too much money on hobbies and habits, is he selfishly disregarding other household expenses? Is he purposefully spending a lot of money, or does he not realize how each small transaction adds up?
A selfish husband always puts himself first. He often does whatever he wants with little concern for his wife or family. He buys things he wants, then doesn’t have any money leftover. In these situations, a husband often doesn’t help his wife financially.
He won’t stop spending money even after you lovingly and tactfully point out that you don’t have enough to pay for his purchases. He will frivolously and greedily spend money with little disregard for other family expenses or desires, including your own. In these situations, a husband often wastes money and doesn’t have enough left to pay bills.
A selfish husband often spends too much money but won’t admit it or change his ways even though it diminishes the family bank accounts and causes emotional turmoil. He keeps buying things no matter what impact it has on your relationship, finances, or credit score. Does your husband keep buying stuff he can’t afford?
A Selfish Husband Spends Money Without Telling You
It would help decide how much money you can spend as a couple without discussing it first. Together, you should set spending limits. Some couples set their spending limit at $50 while others agree to $500 or more. If you want to spend more than that, you’ll have to talk with your spouse.
Anytime you or your spouse choose to buy something over this spending threshold, you’ll need to talk about it. Your husband is selfish if he spends money without consulting you. A marriage is a partnership, and both partners should have an equal say in significant purchasing decisions.
A Selfish Husband Makes Big Purchases Without Telling You
Your husband is selfish if he begins making big purchases without telling you. In healthy relationships, couples discuss large purchases. If your husband intends to buy a pricey item, he should consult with you first.
A selfish husband buys himself expensive things without telling you about his plans. I’m not talking about a small purchase here and there. I’m talking about making big purchases like electronics, cars, trucks, and vacations.
A selfish husband shows up with a brand new car in the driveway or an expensive home theatre system plastered on your living room wall. All high-priced items should be discussed and agreed upon as a couple regardless of who earns more money. So should less expensive, recurring costs, like hobbies, that can drain your bank accounts over time.
If your husband spends all your money on himself, he won’t have enough money to spend on you or the rest of your family. He can leave you feeling guilty for buying things for yourself too.
Why shouldn’t your husband make a big purchase without telling you? When you don’t talk about money, you can’t work towards shared financial goals. Did you want to take a family vacation or save up for a hotel to celebrate your anniversary?
You can’t do that if your husband spends money on other big-ticket items. A selfish husband’s spending will consistently bump shared goals and priorities off your wish list, which isn’t fair or sustainable over the long term.
A Selfish Husband May Be Cheap
Sometimes a husband can act cheap and selfish at the same time. He may tighten the purse strings on his spouse’s purchases or belittle her for buying things he deems unnecessary. These husbands are known for asking where all the money went when they know it went to pay for gas and groceries.
A husband like this appears cheap because he doesn’t want you to purchase products for yourself, your kids, or your home, but in this case, he isn’t cheap.
A Selfish Husband is Controlling with Money
Cheap spouses don’t like to spend money on frivolous items. That makes sense, but if your husband is only classifying your desires as trivial, that isn’t cheap. If he’s further belittling your choices, that’s controlling. Is your husband only cheap with you?
In this case, you must ask yourself an honest question. Is your husband cheap and selfish, or is he attempting to control your relationship with money?
Does your husband limit his purchases or only those you wish to make? If he is genuinely cheap, he won’t want to buy anything for himself either.
A Selfish Husband Makes You Ask for Money
A selfish husband will often say his money is his. He’ll make you feel bad about paying household bills or buying things you need.
Does your husband make you ask or beg for money? That’s not how a marriage should work. You shouldn’t have to ask your husband for money or feel like your husband won’t give you money when you need it. Instead, money should be accessible via checks, cash, or debit cards.
It’s important to set rules for your relationship. As a couple, you should discuss money management issues. Do you maintain joint accounts or separate ones? How much do household items cost? How much do you need for personal reasons each month?
A Selfish Husband Doesn’t Give You Money
A selfish husband will make you ask for money and not give you any when you ask for it. In a kind, committed relationship, you define the rules for money management so that you can both access the cash you need when you need it.
In a healthy relationship, a husband shares his money. In a selfish relationship, a husband won’t give his wife spending money if she works or stays at home with their children.
If your husband is selfish, it doesn’t mean he is financially abusive, but selfish behavior can lead to financial abuse.
By definition, financial abuse includes behaviors such as:
- Denying a spouse access to money
- Controlling household spending
- Refusing to include a spouse in financial decisions
Unfortunately, financial abuse does happen in relationships. Financial abusers use money as a means to control a partner’s ability to acquire or manage financial resources.
Abuse can take many different forms. Sometimes a wife is not permitted to work, or a husband spends money behind his wife’s back. Other times the husband manages all of the money and refuses to allow the wife to access any funds without receiving permission first. These actions are beyond selfish.
A Selfish Husband Buys Things Without Telling You
Not all husbands are selfish, like D; some don’t realize how much they squander on themselves. To find out if you are married to a selfish husband, you need to talk about your finances together.
Before you schedule a time to talk with your partner, take a few minutes to think about your relationship with money.
How do you feel about spending and saving, and how does that compare to your partner’s views? Do you need a lot of money to feel safe and secure? Do you suffer from a scarcity mindset? How does your partner feel, and how does that differ from you?
How can you talk about those emotions without calling your partner names? Calling your partner a selfish husband isn’t going to help. He will immediately become defensive. You need to understand your relationship with money before you start talking to him.
Once you understand your money mindset, you can sit down for a calm conversation. As a team, a husband and wife can schedule a family financial meeting, create a budget, and generate a list of shared financial goals.
During this meeting, try not to focus on the negative aspects of your spouse’s behavior. Instead, talk about the comfort and security that money can provide.
If your husband spends too much money, try to understand why he overspends. Did he grow up without a lot of money? Is he depressed or anxious? Is he spending to make himself feel better about his looks or life?
Overspending and selfish behaviors often stem from much deeper issues. To stop them, you might have to uncover hidden truths about your spouse.
Seek Counseling When Appropriate
Some couples may need counselors or therapists to discuss their money issues together. If calm, rational conversations don’t work, consider seeking help to support you.
How to Stop Selfish Behavior
I don’t know if this information will help the reader who emailed me. Without a lot of details, it’s difficult to figure out if her husband is genuinely selfish or if he views money differently. Maybe he is a jerk. As an outsider, it’s tough to know. After all, what can I tell from one angry email?
I replied to that email with a ton of questions, but I haven’t received an answer yet. I hope the reader’s husband is reasonable like my friend D.
Math is such a small piece of financial arguments. Emotions play a much more significant role.
I know the fights have continued for ten years, but I hope this reader and her husband can resolve their money issues together.
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